As the year winds down to a close and with award season is already underway, everyone is looking back on all the fine performances in cinema over 2009. But to truly recall all the great performances, we have to slag through some pretty awful ones. In an attempt to remember each fascinating portrayal of our noble actors, we wish we could forget some of the less-than-noble actors. And here are the ten that we wish we could forget… forever.
Dylan Walsh, The Stepfather
Hollywood loves the remakes, even if these remakes are giant cinematic turds. One of the biggest remake turds of the year was the lackluster Stepfather. Nip/Tuck’s Dylan Walsh never seemed menacing or normal, which failed on both fronts. The only thing in danger of being murdered by Walsh in this film was his career, and any hope of a decent PG-13 horror movie remake.
Sigh… at least Amber Heard spent most of the movie in a bikini.
Vern Troyer, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
After all the buzz The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus following Heath Ledger’s death, I was terribly excited for this film. It was a fizzle in my opinion, but nothing was more fizzly than Vern Troyer’s pathetic attempt at acting. I respect the guy for making the most of out his situation, and the dude was hilarious as Mini-Me. But he can’t deliver a line to save his life. Sure, he’s short and can play the role of circus freak fine. But why didn’t Terry Gilliam choose a little person who can act… like Peter Dinklage. ‘Cause that guy is amazing.
Sigh… at least Mike Myers wasn’t along for the ride.
Katherine Heigl, The Ugly Truth
Does this former model turned chubby actress with bad teeth turned TV diva think she is the latest rom com queen? How can she after being upstaged by your male co-star three times over (by Seth Rogen in Knocked Up, then by James Marsden in 27 Dresses and now by Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth). The ugly truth for Heigl is that she is a mediocre actress who just can’t carry a movie by herself, and her performance this year was cringe-worthy. She can’t even do a convincing restaurant orgasm like Meg Ryan, and who really believed that her character didn’t understand it looked like she was giving a guy a tug job on a jumbotron?
Sigh… at least her teeth looked good in this movie.
Megan Fox, Jennifer’s Body
Okay, I will admit it. Megan Fox is sizzling hot. You want a saucy brunette to stand around and look pretty, and you’ll have a hard time finding someone to match Megan Fox in this department. But acting? Well, that’s a different story. Anything beyond a half-naked spread in Maxim, and you have a truly terrible performance. Some say that Fox was perfect to deliver Diablo Cody’s Juno-speak in this film, but every time Fox opened her mouth, it sounded like a wombat was caught in a net of piano wire. Seriously, she was less scary when she opened her mouth to devour her latest victim.
Sigh… at least this part led to her almost naked pictures that leaked online earlier in the year.
Hugh Hefner, Miss March
This movie was so forgettable that I almost didn’t include it in the list. But a quick recollection of Hugh Hefner playing Hugh Hefner reminded me that this guy is best left behind the scenes at Playboy. The film’s directors confided in me during an interview that they originally had Robert Wagner playing the role of Hef but changed it when the skin mag icon decided it would be fun. I would have rather had Robert Wagner myself.
Sigh… at least the movie had boobs in it.