WTF: Twilight Is Not a Vampire Movie?!

Like many critics last week, I didn’t think Twilight was all that good of a movie. Of course, that didn’t stop it from making almost $70 million at the box office on its opening weekend. But it seems that the hoards of teenage girls and Twilight Moms who rushed out to see it actually do care about what’s being said about the movie online.

Case in point, if you just look at the comments on the FSR reviews (including those by resident TwiGuy Cole Abaius, our illustrious executive editor Neil Miller and yours truly), you’ll see quite a few Twilight fans defending the film.

But nothing is more indicative of the fan support than the comments filtering through the reviews on RottenTomatoes.com. Generally, if a critic gave it a favorable review, you’ll find one or two comments heaping praise. However, if a critic trashed the film, there are dozens of comments found on those links.

But amid the Twilighters defending the film (along with other online fanboys defending the bad reviews), there was one prevailing comment that took me to task after seeing my pull quote, which read: “Too much angst and not enough monsters. In short, I like a bit more vampire in my vampire stories.”

I think that it was best (or at least most humorously) said by Briana C. in regards to my review:

omg maybe its because ur like a 40 year old man and are criticizing twilight!! the movie and book is supposed to target toward teenagers. and its not focused on the vampire part. the focus is on the love between them, how they can stay together and love each other through their differences. the vampires are just to resemble the difference and that split between them. when us teenagers compare the books to our lives [which is what we do and why we get absorbed into most books] we compare it to the ones we love and that one difference that splits us, although it most likely wouldn’t be that our loved ones are vampires.

So, Briana, you’re saying that Twilight isn’t a vampire movie?

What the fangs?

If it’s not a vampire movie, why are there vampires in it? If it’s not a vampire movie, why is this known the world over as “the teen vampire movie”? I suppose we could also say that Iron Man isn’t a superhero movie and It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t a Christmas movie.

At least there was Kayla S. on the board to set things straight:

THIS IS NOT A VAMPIRE MOVIE it is a metaphor for pushing the limits of love and i am sorry for the people that cant understand that! If you need me to explain m-e-t-a-p-h-o-r i will happily do so

Thanks, Kayla. I’ll pass on the metaphor lesson. Any fan of the genre will tell you that Twilight isn’t the first time vampires were used as a metaphor. In fact, Bram Stoker included the vampire elements of Dracula partly as a metaphor for syphilis.

That’s right. Edward Cullen has syphilis.

I know that picking on brittle teenage girls who flame me on RottenTomatoes is like picking a fight with the 98-pound weakling on the school yard, but seriously? Twilight isn’t a vampire movie?

I’ll give them this… it’s not a good vampire movie. The vampires in this film are wussier and whinier than anything Anne Rice gave us in her books. These are the lamest vampires to grace the silver screen in years.

But it’s still a vampire movie, people. Just a lousy one.

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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