WTF: This Article Is Not About Transformers!

With all the hype surrounding the latest Baygasm to hit the movie screens, one might think that FilmSchoolRejects is being sponsored by the summer juggernaut known as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. After all, a single glance at the home page, and you’d find no less than a half dozen stories on the film.

But I refuse to make this article about Transformers. I refuse to talk about how awful of an actor Megan Fox is, who cannot even effectively scream “Saaaaaaam!” I refuse to espouse on the ridiculous plot. I refuse to complain about seeing John Turturro’s hairy buttcheeks in my face, 20 feet high.

I know what you’re thinking…

What the Fallen? What’s not to love about John Turturro’s hairy buttcheeks?

You see, there are so many other things to talk about… like Jon and Kate Gosselin. According to FSR’s own Robert Fure, he’d “hit” Kate were it not for her eight kids. To me, that’s the most interesting thing about that story. Couples get divorced all the time. Not every women gets publicly propositioned by Robert Fure. Of course, I think he’s just attracted to her hair because it reminds him of Jetfire’s beard from Transfor… aw, shit. I said I wasn’t going to talk about that.

Let’s talk about Ed McMahon. May he rest in peace. Loved the guy on Johnny Carson’s show, but let’s face it. He was as old as Jetfire from… Oops.

Maybe I can talk about the silly notion of ten nominees for Best Picture. Now that the Academy has decided to open up the loser field to nine, it will have a chance to placate the fanboys who bemoaned the fact that The Dark Knight was snubbed in last year’s running. Come early 2010, I wouldn’t be surprised if Star Trek is given a polite nod by the Academy. Just don’t expect one for Transfor… Shit!

I could talk about how Michael Nathanson of Sanford C. Bernstein Media has blasted Paramount and Viacom for its business practices after the flop known as Imagine That with Eddie Murphy. This doesn’t seem quite right, though, since the studio is about to enjoy the biggest movie return of the summer with Trans… Dammit!

Lets see… maybe I can talk about the speculation that Shia LaBeouf will continue the Indiana Jones franchise. Unlike many critics, I enjoyed LaBeouf in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but he’s not the beginning and end of action movies. I think he really should take a break from both that franchise and from Transfor… Jesus H. Christ!

Okay. Let’s try this again. How ‘bout we talk about the new Iron Man 2 poster? Do you think it will be a bigger movie than Transformers… Crap!

Well, let’s talk about the fact that no movie has enjoyed a $100 million weekend yet this year. That is, until Sunday when we see the returns for Transfor… Aw shit. Did it again.

Crap, I can’t even talk about the something political like the media hot button of race relations without my mudflaps skidding into a discussion of this week’s biggest movie.

Monkey balls! I guess that all roads do lead to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Apparently Michael Bay is taking over the universe. My personal theory is that he might just be a Decepitcon, and there’s nothing awesome about that.

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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