WTF: There is No ‘Sex’ Left in this ‘City’

I know this isn’t exactly news, but I had to throw my hat into the ring on this thing…

I was surfing through Yahoo’s end of the year lists, and I found something on their 10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2008 that really set me off. Smack dab in the middle of the list, among plugs for The Dark Knight, Iron Man and Cloverfield, was Sex and the City: The Movie.

What the fuck?

I know it was a popular show, and chicks just dug the four whores from Manhattan talking about everything from golden showers to taking it up the butt… but how can this movie even come close to being decent?

First, you’ve got the girls – who are old enough to have two generations of girls behind them. The younger birds (Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kristen Davis) are in their early 40s, but mother hen Kim Cattrell is 51. You haven’t seen scary until you see these ladies’ mugs on a screen 20 feet tall.

Then there’s a question of maintaining edginess. Will they go for the dreaded PG-13 audience, which will ultimately amount to a softball show like the syndicated re-runs (which flopped, by the way). Or will they go for the R to honor their HBO roots? But even if they go for the R, what can they do to top the original show? Will we suddenly find the girls into felching and discussing internet trash like “2 Girls, 1 Cup” over cosmopolitans?

Look, I love movies. I even found myself to be an avid watcher of the show, not out of quality but out of sheer wonderment about how full of crap it was. It was like a bloody freeway accident that I couldn’t stop watching. But I have no interest in the movie.

When our illustrious editor Neil Miller posted the trailer not long ago, I watched it. But even though Neil assures me it was one of the most downloaded trailers we’ve posted here on the site, I couldn’t remember anything but the logo and the music.

My personal theory is that everyone checked out the trailer to see how bad it’s gonna be.

And it’s gonna be bad. Sure, women are going to flock to it on opening weekend, but I doubt they’ll bring their significant others in tow… unless they somehow manage to squeeze in a lesbian romp with Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba, ‘cause Kim Cattrell’s saggy tits just won’t cut it on the big screen.

On the Side: An interesting note… check out the IMDb profile of Chris Noth (aka Mr. Big). Anyone else think this guy looks like a child molester?

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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