Hilary Swank wants to get fat

Well, it’s official. Hilary Swank is the greatest actor alive.

Why? Because she played a man and won an Oscar for it? Because she’s taken home two of those little gold statuettes? Because she managed to feign interest during her decade-long marriage to Chad Lowe?

Sure, those are great feats in the acting profession, but there’s something she’s embarking upon that will be the biggest challenge of her career…

She’s gaining weight. That’s right. This anorexic-thin actress who probably weighs less than Rosie O’Donnell’s head is planning on gaining 20 to 30 pounds for a role in the film adaptation of Mireille Guiliano’s best-selling book, French Women Don’t Get Fat.

What the flab?

There’s so much wrong here. First, why is it when actors gain weight, it’s considered a feat of monumental proportions? I’ve been gaining weight for years, and no one seems to care. It wasn’t too long ago that diminutive beauty Eva Longoria was making news because she put on some chub for the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives, in which the character has let herself go to raise two kids.

If gaining weight is worthy of critical acclaim, then hand me the Oscar, Golden Globe and Emmy statues right now.

But even more… Does anyone think that 20 or 30 pounds on Hilary Swank is going to come close to making her look fat? Granted, this skinny little bird will end up increasing her body mass by about 40 percent, but she’s still going to look like a Somalian crack addict.

Ultimately, if Swank can manage to keep food in her stomach for more than 15 minutes at a time, she might gain those 20 or 30 pounds and manage to look… well, somewhat normal.

Perhaps they might have to change the movie’s name to French Women Don’t Get Healthy.

There was a time when actors played the mentally challenged in order to gain some street cred. Thanks to Ben Stiller and Timothy Shriver, this is a thing of the past. Now all characters can do is gain weight in order to be taken seriously.

My theory is that Swank wasn’t inspired by the acting profession to gain weight for this role. Rather, her family had an intervention and demanded that she gain some weight before she tripped one day and shattered like Samuel L. Jackson in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Eat a sandwich, Hilary. Not because you need to prepare for a role, but because you (and sadly, a lot of other actresses in Hollywood) look like you haven’t eaten since the last presidential election.

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