WTF: Show Me the Mammaries!

So there I was, watching Isla Fisher’s new film Confessions of a Shopaholic and being a little surprised as how likable she is on screen in a leading role when it occurred to me…

I’m probably never going to see her boobs again… at least until she turns 40 and is angling for an award of some sort, a la Marisa Tomei.

This led me to think about a quote I had heard from John Moore on the Max Payne DVD commentary. He was talking about the first time that he met Ukrainian hottie Olga Kurylenko. Apparently, she had just learned that she landed the role of Camille in Quantum of Solace, so with a new-found level of credibility in Hollywood, the first thing Kurylenko said to Moore was, “No tits.”

What the fun bags?

Although Kurylenko is twice divorced, a former fashion model who did plenty of nude photography (Google her if you don’t believe me) and had done a spectacular nude scene in her American debut for the film Hitman, she now has a no nudity clause in her contract.

I suppose that’s what being a Bond girl is all about… not taking off your clothes, or at least not completely taking them off.

This all got me thinking about boobies, and it suddenly tabled my brilliant idea for a WTF article about how Pink Panther 2 wasn’t a huge bomb (at least not like New In Town, Inkheart or The Spirit) and how Jennifer Aniston is not really a box office draw (since all of her movies had another star as the draw, like Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey, Marley & Me with a dog, The Break Up which fed off her real-life romance with Vince Vaughn and Office Space which got green lit for her but for which no one remembers her character).

You see, boobies will do that to me. They will distract me from everything else and lead to a fleshy obsession.

I kept thinking of Olga Kurylenko’s beautiful b-cups in Hitman, and now with her “no tits” rule, I’m saddened to think I’ll never see them again.

Along with Isla Fisher, who went topless in Wedding Crashers, and a cadre of other actresses that made an indelible impression on cinema with a fantastic nude scene only to swear off boobie shots once their careers took off.

Like… Julia Roberts (topless in Pretty Woman), Shannon Elizabeth (topless in American Pie), Salma Hayek (nude in Desperado) and even as far back as Alyssa Milano (topless in Embrace of the Vampire).

Sadly, these actresses don’t do any more nude scenes until their careers are so far in the toilet that it’s the only thing they can do to get some attention (like Milano’s nude corpse in last year’s Pathology) or they want to win an award (like Marisa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead and The Wrestler). Unfortunately, they end up a tad past their prime and aren’t quite as fetching as they once were.

I’m not asking everyone to be like Kate Winslet or Anne Heche who show their tits in everything from R-rated movies to cross-over commercials for The Backyardigans. But I would like to see a little skin before it starts sagging enough to warrant an Oscar nod.

Show me the mammaries, ladies. You know we’re gonna see them again, anyway.

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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