Sometimes when I prep for this column, I scrounge to find ideas. However, there are also weeks when entertainment news is so filled with stupid stories that I can’t help but gather them together. As a New Year’s present, I offer you this hodge podge of WTF stories from the past week…

Gwenyth Paltrow Detoxes to Lose Holiday Weight
What the flab? Did she balloon to a staggering 87 pounds over Christmas break?

Patrick Swayze Refuses to Give Up Smoking
What the fag? (Note: this word is used in the context of the British slang word for cigarette, so don’t go all Mickey Rourke on me.) This guy is an idiot. He tried to rejuvenate his career by going public with his pancreatic cancer battle, and it worked to a degree. He now has a TV show and was interviewed by Barbara Walters. However, he’s also announced that he’s not quitting smoking even though it probably caused his cancer. I know it’s hard to quit smoking, and he should be allowed to continue doing it. But I am also allowed to call this guy a royal dumbass.

Polanski Wants Charges Dropped
What the flight risk? I know the case is 30 years old, and the victim is now in her 40s, but a crime is a crime, Polanski. You fled the U.S. court system decades ago and have never come back to face the music. Just because you win an Oscar doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the legal system. Maybe you could start your own religion like L. Ron Hubbard and live on a boat in international waters.

Stars Troll for Headlines by Offering Condolences
What the fame? I’ll buy Tim Allen’s much publicized sympathy for the Travolta family because they recently had a hit film (which would be Wild Hogs from 2007), and I wish the family the best in this terrible time. But the rest of the entertainment industry – from the press members who are slobbering over reports of what was said in the ambulance to the bonafide stars who are making not-so-private condolences just to get their names in the news – are vampires. The family lawyer dropping names of those who have sent condolences is an idiot, too. Do we really care that Oprah cares?

Larry Flynt et al Want Porn Industry Bail-out
What the Flynt? I dearly love the porn industry, but even I had to say this was utterly ridiculous (heh heh, I made a boob funny). Flynt claims the porn industry has been hit hard by the economic times because DVD sales are down. To quote: “With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.” Really, Larry? Sex is the farthest from people’s mind when the economy’s bad? That must explain why strip clubs and dirty book stores are never found in the poor areas of town. I would go as far to say that sex is on our minds even more when we don’t have any money. However, maybe we’re just not buying as many DVDs when there are awesome internet sites that compile scenes and pictures for free.

Seriously, though, the talk of bailouts for every industry is getting out of hand. Can we start a movement to have the government bail out internet sites? I’m sure there’s money out there somewhere for us.

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