As much as I’d love to spend the next 600 words bitching about how Mormon theater mogul and Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller refuses to show Zack & Miri Make a Porno in his Salt Lake City and Provo Megaplexes I am drawn to a different topic, much more relevant to this time of year… and my stomach: trick or treating.

While not directly related to films, other than kids around the country are going to be dressing up as their favorite movie character (imagine the number of Iron Men, Indiana Joneses and Dark Knights that are going to be wandering the streets of suburbia this year), it’s relevant because it’s Halloween. FSR has given a nod to the month of spooky movies with our 31 Days of Horror. Plus, we’ve covered the smattering of scary movies that have actually been released this October.

And, I suppose my rage this week is fueled by a suggestion on the television show The Biggest Loser. While we don’t necessarily cover this weepy reality drivel of Survivor Goes to Fat Camp, we do cover television shows now.

So here’s what happened… I was at the bank yesterday doing some business. It was one of those new-fangled bank branches that reside inside a grocery store and offer more flexible hours. In front of me was an old couple depositing some money from their mattress at home. While the wife wanders off to do some shopping, she yells back to her husband at the counter: “Get a roll of dimes!”

He looks back at her, confused. She then said, “On The Biggest Loser, they said to give dimes instead of candy.” (Note: To be fair, I told my wife – an avid watcher of The Biggest Loser – and she told me they actually suggested Play-Doh instead of candy. I don’t know what this senile old bird at the bank was talking about, but still…)

Dimes? Play-Doh? No candy? What the fudge?

Look people. You’re not being responsible by refusing to give into the pop culture peer pressure of handing out Halloween candy. You’re just being a douche.

We go through this every year. I remember trick or treating when I was a kid back in the 70s and 80s. This was when UNICEF was a big deal, and inevitably there was some old biddy who gave out a handful of pennies for the UNICEF box instead of candy bars.

Can you guess whose house was egged that night?

The do-gooders out there who want to stop kids from getting candy on Halloween are the same morons who think that the Girl Scouts should stop selling cookies every year because they think it promotes childhood obesity.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, as a grown man who had obesity issues as a child… it’s not the Halloween candy that made me fat. That’s a once-a-year thing, and ultimately, my stash dwindled quickly after I attacked it during that first week.

Kids get overweight because of a daily dose of unhealthy foods and lack of exercise. Killing Halloween candy and Girl Scout cookies isn’t going to send kids stampeding to the refrigerator for a package of carrots. And if you do give out dimes, what do you think kids are going to spend that money on? They’re certainly not going to put it in their UNICEF collection box. They’re going to use that money to buy candy. It’s like cigarettes in prison. It’s the cash economy of grade schoolers.

And Play-Doh? Well, anyone who’s stupid enough to give out Play-Doh as a trick-or-treat item deserves to have their car covered in that crap on the morning of November 1st.

There’s a reason it’s called trick or treat.

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