We enjoyed Star Wars:The Clone Wars. It was…not bad. Decent. Alright, it was sort of a let down. Although we enjoyed certain parts, certain characters, and certain aspects of the film, we walked out of the theater scratching our heads. It had some fun moments between Anakin and Ahsoka and some fantastic action sequences, but ultimately Star Wars:The Clone Wars left us with some Unanswered Questions.

1. What’s up with that Purple Cross-Dressing, possibly Trans-gendered Ziro the Hutt?

We’ll go ahead and get the most obvious out of the way first, especially since it hit us from left field right near the end of the movie. We get it. Diversity is great, and Lucas and the crew have done diversity effortlessly in the past. Multitudes of alien races, strong and realistic female leads – and what’s best, they never draw undue attention to it. They make diversity in film seem so easy. But when they screw it up, they manage to do so on a scale so unimaginable that it delivers a Jar Jar Binks straight from the racialist brier patch, and, now, Ziro the Hutt – just getting off stage from his second show as an Ethel Merman impersonator at the Sunday Drag Queen Show.

Why did Jabba’s uncle have to sound like Truman Capote? Why did Truman Capote sound like Truman Capote? What’s with the sequined, peacock feather over one eye? Did the other Hutts tease you growing up? Did your affectation even serve the plot at all? Do you think your cameo in The Bird Cage helped you land the role? Is The Clone Wars headed to Broadway? Did you mean to derail the entire film?

2. Did we really need the Disney Channel subplot between Anakin and Ahsoka?

We’ve argued back and forth as to whether this was a subplot or the main plot, a sign that doesn’t bode well for the coherency of the film in general, but overall, we’re wondering why Anakin and Ahsoka enjoyed a bonding character arc that belonged on an episode of The Suite Life with Zack and Cody. It was cute that they politely bickered back and forth like brother and sister, but it was all a little too lovey-dovey, and no one got their hand cut off. It was also confusing to see Obi-Wan doing his best Ward Cleaver impression – shaking his head knowingly whenever the two started arguing. “Oh, those rascals,” he seemed to say. These are Jedi Knights we’re talking about. Not the cast of Lizzie McGuire.

If this was supposed to be a buddy comedy, which one was supposed to be “too old for this shit?” Did you mean for Anakin to seem a lot like Charles, the titular character from seminal sitcom “Charles in Charge?” Will Ahsoka have her own line of Bratz Dolls? Was Ziro the Hutt supposed to be more feminine than Ahsoka?

3. Why the hell was Ahsoka calling Anakin Skywalker, the man who would become Lord Darth Vader, “Sky Guy?”

There’s nothing more endearing than a nickname. It makes sense. You wanted a nickname for that bratty little upstart Ahsoka to call Anakin. One that subverts his authority, infantilizes him but isn’t too, too offensive. We couldn’t have her calling him “Captain Bottomtickler” or anything. Still, this is the best name they came up with? Not only did it get as annoying as a hamster gnawing at my ear drum, it evoked images of a certain pom-pom shaped spokes-character for McDonald’s frenchfries.

How could you dare to mock Lord Vader? Did anyone consider “Captain Bottomtickler?” Is this the most subtle product placement in film history? Did McDonald’s put you up to this? Is George Lucas also Mayor McCheese?

There might be other burning questions out there, but these were the ones that left our brains spinning. Until Lucas and company call a press conference to explain himself, we’re afraid our questions are going to have to go unanswered.


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