Editor’s Note: We here at FSR thought we should get a sex column, but it couldn’t just be any old, tired, worn-out, married for seventeen years and barely looking at each other while we brush our teeth and where did the love go sex column. It needed to be the best damned sex column on the face of the planet. And, of course, it had to involve film and television. Since no one that works (or contributes) to FSR has ever had sex, we had to turn to Bethany Perryman – a woman whose reputation and AdultFriendFinder profile precede her. Ladies and gentleman, every Monday, be prepared to fill or be filled.
What’s turning me on this week?
Sawyer from Lost, and maybe a little John Locke: I may have a healthy sexual appetite and wildly interesting thoughts on the matter, but I would be a terrible girlfriend. Why? Because I’m the last cool person on the face of the planet to get into Lost, and until this week, I would have made fun of all of you for saying it’s a great show. I didn’t plan on launching my FSR career by looking like an idiot, but in life, as in sex, you can’t always get what you want. Remember this.
BIL (Brother-In-Law, one of the few truly great entertainment gurus in my life) and I were watching last week’s episode, and I had him give me a 15-minute whirlwind primer of the convoluted and still-unfolding mystery that is Lost. “And if I know you,” he says, “you’ll think Jack Shepard is totally hot.” Guess again. “The guy who doesn’t age?” Although Nestor Carbonell wins my Particularly Enterprising Vain Actor Award for securing a role in which it is not only OK but pretty much guaranteed that he can get reimbursed for his Botox treatments, also no. This week, Sawyer stole my heart. And maybe a little John Locke.
Why them? First, Sawyer. As resident female sex columnist, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t say something here like, “Women are all like Kate. We just love our Bad Boys.” But that’s not entirely it. I do have a thing for sexy Southerners, and, sad to say, conmen-cum-heroes, but there’s something else here. I don’t want to give away too much about the female psyche, but Men, if you want to make a girl’s head spin, call her Freckles. Bonus points if she, like Kate, has absolutely no visible freckles during the scene in which you do it. Additionally, if you really want to impress a lady, follow her to the cusp of some weird energy force field thing in the middle of a deserted space-time traveling island to help her petition your sworn enemies to save an adorable, bespectacled little boy who grows up to basically be Satan. And call her Freckles while you do it. This will work, every time.
Armed with a couple of seasons worth of DVDs to go through and discuss with dear friend and fellow Lost virgin Cole Abaius, I have one final point about Sawyer. Yes, we women like to see our men mature over time. (Note that I didn’t say change.) This semi-maturity is a huge turn-on. We like to know that you have it in you to be a stand-up guy, and that you’ll be there when we need you. Women are strong, resilient, and highly capable creatures – but when we have to face The Others, it’s nice to know that we have someone sinewy, and with inexplicably good hair, to back us up. Also, we’d like to have a tender moment beforehand, in case of impending doom. In short, all we really want from you, besides a cheeky pet name, is to be able to point to a time where you softened up a little while still remaining masculine. We just want to know that you were the bad boy, then that bad boy made good. (But ultimately, not too good. Poor Dr. Juliet…)
As for John Locke, this one is tough to pin down. I think it’s the Brando-as-Kurtz in Apocalypse Now look. Not only is that one of my top 5 movies, loosely based on one of my favorite books, but anything that reminds a woman of any-phase-Marlon is definitely a turn-on. Yes, he’s creepy – but Terry O’Quinn uses those acting chops well to play this up as “intriguing mystery.” Women, like men, are attracted to that which we don’t understand. Also, he came back from the dead this week, and he’s named after the philosopher from which we Americans ripped off our theoretical justification for a country that would, in the future, bring us Lost. What more could you want in a man? I will tell you, next week.
Need relationship advice? Too bad. Bethany is terrible at relationships. But if you need sex advice, feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!