What’s turning me on this week?
Summer love. Wet, hot, American summer love.
The dog days of summer are just around the corner, and what could be hotter than gettin’ busy with a summer fling? If there’s one thing we’ve learned from Grease, it’s that the best way to snag yourself a summer girl is to be a leather jacket wearing badass (yes, even in June) and to charm the pants off of a visiting Aussie with trips to the soda fountain and a classic song. Selling drugs on the beach a la Blow is also a proven method of charming some chemically altered (read: loose!) bikini clad honeys. And we all know the best summer romance (or summer fantasy romance, as it were) movie of all time is that completely-average-besides-for-Marilyn-Monroe vehicle, The Seven Year Itch. (Taking the title for best, of course, solely because of Ms. Monroe.)
This week, however, just happens to be the week that I’m giving up T-Birds, having affairs with my sexy upstairs neighbor, and cocaine – so naturally I had to find a new summer movie (and clearly a new partner or two). I racked my brain, thinking what exactly about summer facilitates sexual tension and short-term hookups? And then it came to me: Jew camp.
Woah, woah – hold the phones. Not that kind of Jew camp. I of course am referring to the best of all the great terrible comedies about things that take place at a summer camp, Wet Hot American Summer. I hate to admit that, until a few days ago, I’d never seen this movie. I usually glaze over when the bleep-n-dubbed version is on Comedy Central. But, after seeing the feature length, dirty-mouthed version of this movie, I was happily reminded that what is silly can also be sexy.
Although it’s innuendo-laden and mostly PG, there’s something in WHAS for every sexual taste. (It’s also a veritable who’s who of early 21st century American cinematic comedy, and some of the seriously minor characters (Judah Friedlander! Bradley Cooper!) are today’s stars.) If you’re the type who must spread his seed, you can take a lesson from Paul Rudd, as Andy. In the first five minutes of the movie, you see him literally licking face. Ever the consummate manwhore, Andy also gets to make out with Elizabeth Banks’s bikini sporting character. Andy’s best moment actually provides me with a decent piece of advice: as the days grow long and you need to move on, you can always deliver the line, “You taste like a burger. I don’t like you anymore.” Bonus points if you’re not kissing on the lips.
If you’re the nice guy, rest assured that you too will get to make out with Katie (Marguerite Moreau). But don’t model yourself too much after Coop (Michael Showalter), because the tighty whitey wearing Semite is a gigantic tool. His sweet charm and boyish grin prove no match for the face licker: Coop jumps the gun (no, not like that) and gets crushingly – albeit hilariously – dumped.
If you’re looking for nerd sex (aren’t we all?), grow a moustache, pose as an astrophysics professor, and wear semi-short-shorts like David Hyde Pierce’s Henry. (Spoiler alert! He has crabs. Attention man-nerds: this does not make it okay for you to have crabs.) Henry hooks up with supercute camp director Beth, played by Jeanane Garofolo. Ladies, Beth’s character is a one woman man who falls in love, like most of the female leads in summer romances. But, in this case, she finds the right type of guy (for her) – the guy that doesn’t bone and run. Henry’s not sexy, attractive, cool, or – well, anything, really – but he’s sweetly smitten with Beth, and that in itself is a turn-on.
Then, of course, there’s McKinley and Ben (Michael Ian Black and Bradley Cooper). For a little man on man love, these guys – and their crew socks – give a banging (heh.) performance. There’s Caped Boy – the pre-Christopher Minz-Plasse of the Christopher Minz-Plasse crowd. And there’s Abby, who will make out with anyone, including Elizabeth Banks. For most of you, that’s probably worth the watch right there.
But maybe, just maybe, you’re confused about your sexuality. Maybe you’re a loner. Maybe you’re an inanimate object.You still have an option! You can perform self-fellatio, just like the Can of Vegetables does. All the time. (I really think Can should have gotten a Best Supporting Actor nod for this part.)
Lastly, campers, I should say that, although it wasn’t the wet hot American softcore I was hoping for, Wet Hot American Summer is funny as hell, and one of those good natured films with an all-star cast that you should pack with your sleeping bag, bug spray, and prophylactics. Just be sure you don’t taste like a burger.
Want some sex advice? Turned On, Tuned In author Bethany Perryman is here for you. You can get ‘in touch’ with her via email (email@example.com) and/or follow her stream of hotness on Twitter at twitter.com/bethatasitmay