Turned On, Tuned In: Really Bad Sex


What’s turning me on this week?

Completely unsatisfying sex.
Alright nerds, let’s face facts. If you’re in a committed relationship with a really great person who is smart, funny, and even marginally successful — you’re probably having terribly boring sex. If you’re any kind of decent American — a creature of Puritanical ancestry, idly clinging to some type of shame based religion — the chips are stacked against you in the “having great sex” game. It’s OK, we’ve all been there. It’s a scientific fact that one person can’t be everything, and a working stiff with bills to pay, significant body issues, and mild to moderate alcoholism simply can’t be the Casanova that he’s convinced himself that he is.

Think about it. Peter Parker? Twice a week maximum; missionary. Spiderman, however, is probably doing wicked acrobatic shit that puts Cirque du Soleil to shame. You, although not a superhero (or superlover), should give yourself mad props for finding a mate that will put on her Business Socks every Wednesday or so and let you get busy, even if it’s just during the commercials — because at least you’re getting laid. And believe me, you’re not alone in your pathetic existence.

Seriously. Watch TV Land while eating your post-vanilla-sex chocolate ice cream and you’ll soon realize that some of the greatest on-screen couples ever are probably having boring sex right now. Dick van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore didn’t even sleep in the same bed. The Cosbys had way too many kids to be doing anything kinky. Sometimes the minutia of life and the unfortunate reality of long-term love just get in the way of passionate, sweaty, no holds barred gettin’ it on.

So what’s the solution? How do you balance your carnal desires with your own harsh reality? First, own up to the fact that you’re already a winner for having sex at all. Before Star Trek got a facelift, probably no one who could spell Romulan had ever gotten laid. Honestly, it’s nice to have a significant other, even if they do have an oddly placed mole or that vinegary body odor that only you could love. Second, realize that the best sex is all about the right chemistry.

If Rhett and Scarlet (or Wesley and Buttercup, for that matter) have to work at it, then so will you. Spice it up. Try acting out a fantasy — I mean, who doesn’t want to bone that retard from The Miracle Worker? Put on some new music (I like the Close Encounters tones myself). Or, perhaps most refreshing, try having sex in a new place. (Sweetie, if you’re reading this — just make sure that the stove is off next time. Although, admittedly the make-up sex in that burn ward was hot…) If all else fails, just get really drunk and pretend she’s Megan Fox.

Need sex advice? Feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!

Bethany writes about sex. Suck it, nerds. Follow her on Twitter: twitter.com/bethatasitmay

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