What’s turning me on this week?
I wanted to try something a little different this week, but that Star Trek role play thing I’ve been hearing about isn’t my style (sorry, boys). Instead, I thought I would take some of your questions. So, in the spirit of “Returning the Favor”, here’s an amalgam of your inquiries:
Question: What’s the best way to go down on my girlfriend?
Answer: Vertically. The vast majority of the fan e-mails that I get center around one of two things: (1) the great news that I’ve been selected to help a Nigerian prince share his fortune, if I can just write one or two little checks, and (2) that all of you are both curious and clueless about performing oral sex on your girlfriends (or in your case, Cole Abaius, your life-sized girlfriend blow-up doll). Some of you have even shared your desire to want to perform cunnilingus on me, going into great (obviously amateur) detail about your preferred techniques. The one thing I can say to most of you is no, no, no. You’re doing it all wrong. In fact, it’s clear to me that you’re not doing it at all.
It’s a practiced art, so there’s not much help I can give you that those parent-friendly videos you watch on RedTube aren’t already providing. But, here’s a hint: trace the alphabet (use capital letters, this is key), or sign your name in cursive. (A further hint: don’t forget to dot the i’s and cross the t’s – even if there aren’t any in your real name. Try Zach Quinto, Teri Hatcher, Justin Timberlake.) Don’t ever tell her that’s what you’re doing, and before you get to LMNOP, she’ll be begging you to F.
If she’s a particularly tough nut to crack, try humming your favorite movie theme song. (Best one I’ve heard so far? The Great Escape.) If she’s not making “I’ll have what she’s having” noises pretty soon, then I suggest that you either move on to your next soon-to-be-ex, or just give up on this route all together.
I’m generally a nice guy, but it’s hard for me to approach women. What’s the best way to start a conversation with an attractive girl without using a cheesy pick-up line?
Love, Your Fans
Dear Everyone on Twitter,
Truthfully, I could debate this with myself for days. (What’s wrong with cheesy pick-up lines? They usually work on me. Also, have you seen Swingers?) I think the best policy here is to look to several cinematic Casanovas. Try watching these great love stories to see how our heroes get their girls. Study these men, apply some of their tactics, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
To get the girl, study:
- Any incarnation of a Prince Charming. Most girls wants one of these.
- Danny Ocean, Ocean’s 11. An antihero, for sure. But his intentions are noble and his sex appeal can’t be denied. Pay close attention if your girlfriend was stolen away by an international financier/all-around douche.
- Mr. Big, Sex and The City. Sorry, guys. We know that most of you hate this show, but most of us love it. Any moves you garner from the delicious Chris Noth is one that will woo just about any woman.
- Or, just go for the original Mr. Big. Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.
- Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle. Scratch that. Just be Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle. We will adjust accordingly.
- Dex from The Tao of Steve. Be a Steve. But the good kind of Steve.
- Jack Black as Miles in The Holiday. If you haven’t seen this movie, go see it, now. Miles is great, perfect even. In a battle of the more debonair versus the dorky and doting, Miles (the latter) would win every time.
Other mentions? Kevin Costner in Tin Cup, Tim Robbins in Bull Durham, Bill Murray towards the end of Groundhog Day, and Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire.
To get several girls, study:
- Bruce Wayne, The Dark Knight. Cash and flash, baby.
- Dex from The Tao of Steve. Be a Steve. The bad kind of Steve.
- Jason Segal’s character in I Love You, Man.
- Bond, James Bond. The ultimate womanizer. (Hint: beating Goldeneye on N-64? Not a turn-on. Unless you’ve found the world’s most incredible woman.)
- Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. (Still don’t know why, but he is smashing, baby!)
Other movies with leading men to watch for inspiration: Rodger Dodger, Wedding Crashers, and Hugh Grant’s role in Bridget Jones’ Diary.
What’s your phone number?
Love, Your #1 Fan
Dear FSR Staff,
Come on, guys. No. Deal with it.
Love, Your #1 Fan
Need relationship advice? Too bad. Bethany is terrible at relationships. But if you need sex advice, feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!