Editor’s Note: We here at FSR thought we should get a sex column, but it couldn’t just be any old, tired, worn-out, married for seventeen years and barely looking at each other while we brush our teeth and where did the love go sex column. It needed to be the best damned sex column on the face of the planet. And, of course, it had to involve film and television. Since no one that works (or contributes) to FSR has ever had sex, we had to turn to Bethany Perryman – a woman whose reputation and AdultFriendFinder profile precede her. Ladies and gentleman, every Monday, be prepared to fill or be filled.
In the world of sex, nice guys always finish last. As a woman, I appreciate this, guys. But there’s something undeniably sexy about assholes – even if they do finish first, and then tell you not to let your shame hit you on the way out. Men, being an asshole can be a sexy character flaw, but you must execute this artfully. Otherwise, you risk wasting a perfectly good terrible reputation on looking like a Johnny-come-early. My relationship history aside, I certainly advocate that you do everything humanly possible to cockblock that chip on your shoulder. But, if you’re gonna be an asshole, be one with style. Successfully imitate one or all of these 5 Assholes I Hate to Love, and I might be writing about a different type of column.
5. House from “House”
This guy can be an asshole simply because he’s brilliant. Though it’s not really a great strategy in the long run, it certainly buys you hoards of professional and legal leeway, as well as a great excuse to fraternize with hookers. Dr. House is a cynic, and – except for a few flashes of humanity here and there – a bona fide nihilist. So take up a sexy addiction to prescription drugs, do acid while charged with saving the lives of several helpless children, and repeat after me: “Everybody Lies.” Bonus points if you’re a gimp with a talent for piano and completely abusing your only friend, although these are not necessary ingredients – just icing on that sexy cake. If you want to get this sex columnist into bed, an ego concurrent to the size of your IQ, the occasional double-cross, and wreaking havoc on those attempting to be allies will work, every time.
4. Brodie from Mallrats
Oh, Brodie. You had me at “sleep under the bed on prom night in case my mom bursts in.” And I fell harder when breakfasts came and went, and Brenda (she’ll always be Brenda) had to climb out of your window because you couldn’t be bothered to pause your video hockey game.
Brodie is the type of guy who can quickly turn a phrase (“I hope to cum laude some day, preferably in a 69”), wax philosophical about the technical definition of a food court, and shamelessly stinkpalm his buddy’s future father-in-law. Women hate guys like Brodie (I don’t have it in me to call him a man), but they always seem to end up with them. To borrow a patented Brodie phrase, “I should know – we can smell our own.” There’s no use trying to understand it, boys, but all-around loser asshole guys will always get a girl. Berate and banter like Brodie, and you may yet see Smokey f*ck the Bandit.
3. Kenny Powers from “Eastbound and Down”
As a broke redneck former baseball star well past his 15 minutes of fame, Kenny Powers sets the bar low – and then limbos right under it. This guy is morally repugnant, an emotional child, and devoid of any redeeming qualities whatsoever. In a word: sizzling hot. So how does he get both the hooker and the girl? Kenny Powers is the Bulletproof Tiger – the man who believes, with unflinching self-confidence, that he is the best. He knows she wants it, whether she actually does or not. And with that kind of attitude, April Bigcannons (and I) can’t help but totally, totally want it.
Kenny really deserves his own column, and might just get one yet – I think he’s the hottest, biggest asshole I’ve seen in a long, long time. (Mark my words: “Eastbound and Down” is the new “M*A*S*H”.) Men, if you’re taking notes, get your hands on a copy of You’re F*cking Out, I’m F*cking In, break out your man thongs, jet skis, tall boys, and steroids – and you may score a home run with your one true love. And maybe get handies from a couple of her friends, too.
2. Beanie from Old School
My girlfriends (the funny ones, at least) are balls over Beanie. Mitch may be more physically attractive, and Frank may be The Tank, but it’s Beanie that has our panties God-knows-where. This guy is a huge asshole (“Do I look like a happy man to you, Frank?”), but he’s also a true blue bro. He’s the brains behind Mitchapalooza and the subsequent fraternity, but given the option of a 19 year old girl or the ol’ ball and chain, Beanie chooses wisely. He’s a new archetype of sexy – a huge, hilarious asshole, who you know deep down is a good enough guy (“It takes a man to give away an angel; you’re sweet.”). He’s a smooth talking, successful family man – and if you’re an asshole like him, you’ll get all the dude space that you need.
1. Han Solo from Star Wars
Everyone loves Han Solo. But make no mistake, this man is the consummate asshole. Who replies to the declaration of love from a freaking intergalactic princess with the words, “I know”?! This does not bode well for the less regal of my gender. This smuggling loner (at least at his outset) is 100% cocksure, and sporting a vest that would look good on exactly no one else in that galaxy far, far away. Han is emotionally unavailable and a hot-head, both unfortunate traits that attract women of all species like a Storm Trooper to a door frame. For a guy who sometimes amazes even himself, and becomes a hero to boot, he really is one of cinema’s great assholes. Why, you ask? Well, Han shot first.
Need relationship advice? Too bad. Bethany is terrible at relationships. But if you need sex advice, feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!