Turned On: Sex So Good, It Can’t Be Real


What’s turning me on this week?

Sex… that’s not really sex.

Weird, I know. Just…don’t ask what I did this weekend. Those seven hours aside, I’m not one to too often get caught up in sex that isn’t really sex. Neither am I the type of girl who all too often suspends reality to enter the constructed world of a film (blasphemous, I know). So when I do, I know that there’s something really special about that movie. This same principle extends to scenes in certain films. So this week, I’m exploring 5 sex scenes that I wish were really sex, even though I know they aren’t. Note that I have three criteria for wishing fake sex was real: Dirty, Hilarious, and Unnecessary. A scene will fall into one or any combination of these three, and the more of these elements it conveys, the better.

If you just want dirty, the first one that comes to mind is an old favorite: the piano scene from Pretty Woman. I’m not really sure why I’ve always loved this scene — minus being a Silver Fox, I don’t find Richard Gere particularly attractive, and I certainly wouldn’t sign up to watch him actually sex up J.Robs. But there’s something elusively steamy about this scene. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s paying for it, maybe it’s the fact that they do it on a musical instrument. Either way, take note: women definitely appreciate both cash and romantic rewards. (Don’t we?) Sadly, this scene ends, as does most sex, all too quickly — and only hinting at both oral (for her!) and conventional sex.

The next scene in the arsenal…well, I can’t rightly say that I wish it was real sex. But it definitely qualifies as sex-that-isn’t-sex, and it definitely turns me on. Five words, gentlemen: Last Tango in Paris. Butter. Rating: a resounding 100% unnecessary.

The sexiest sex scene of all time, in my opinion, is the holy-shit-was-that-anal-or-what hallway scene in Unfaithful. I’ve only seen that movie once, but I’ve seen that couple of minutes hundreds of times. I have no idea what the movie’s about — besides a super hot affair and some bathroom sex — but that scene is definitely my #1 favorite sex-that’s-not-actually-sex moment ever captured on film. This scene is hot because it adequately captures the urgency of doing it in a hallway with someone who’s not your husband (and someone I’m pretty sure could model underwear for the rest of his life), as well as conveying some reasonably complicated emotional saga. I suppose women are into this, but in true Rejects fashion, I pretty much sidestepped all that noise for some closeups of ass. Although I phoned in caring about (or remembering) the plot to this movie, the way that this scene was shot and orchestrated is hot enough to make me wish that it was the real thing. Rating: definitely dirty, and mostly unnecessary. (I’m of the opinion that this entire movie was mostly unnecessary. It’s a pretty terrible movie, but that scene is brilliant.)

And then, there’s the art-house flicks. I’m speaking here, of course, about Secretary. There’s many a hot scene — from spanking to saddles — and I wish that they were all real. Maybe it’s because of the overall hotness of this movie in general (except that part where she’s lying on grass? Never got that one.), or maybe it’s because of James Freaking Spader (or Maggie Freaking Gyllenhaal, even.) — but there’s something about this movie that lights my fire. Is it a fantasy thing? Don’t think so. Regardless of that awesome Kanye West lyric, I’m not really into playing secretary and the boss. A fetish thing? Hm, that’s a whole different column. Analysis aside, there’s lots of great sex-that’s-not-sex-that-I-wish-was-actually-sex sex in Secretary. Rating: dirty and unnecessary. (A movie about S&M that’s passed off as not soft core porn? Awesome, but totally unnecessary.)

And, last but never least, the overly-long puppet sex scene from Team America: World Police. I don’t really wish that this was two real people having sex, but I do sort of wish that I was watching this puppet show live and listening to two puppet actors having to go at it with their marionettes. When you really get down to it, sex is clearly designed to be funny — and it’s rarely no strings attached, so I think that this sex-that’s-not-sex scene deserves a place in the cannon. I know that Being John Malkovich is the puppet sex standard, but the Parker/Stone collaboration more adequately satisfies the filth that I require. Rating: dirty, ridiculous, and highly unnecessary. In a word, perfect.

And what about you? What sex scenes do you find dirty? Hilarious? Unnecessary?

Need relationship advice? Too bad. Bethany is terrible at relationships. But if you need sex advice, feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!

Bethany writes about sex. Suck it, nerds. Follow her on Twitter: twitter.com/bethatasitmay

Read More from Bethany Perryman
Get Film School Rejects in your email. All the cool kids are doing it:
Previous Article
Next Article
Reject Nation
Leave a comment
Comment Policy: No hate speech allowed. If you must argue, please debate intelligently. Comments containing selected keywords or outbound links will be put into moderation to help prevent spam. Film School Rejects reserves the right to delete comments and ban anyone who doesn't follow the rules. We also reserve the right to modify any curse words in your comments and make you look like an idiot. Thank You!