VOD: Jack the Giant Slayer

Something tall and smelly this way comes. No, it’s not the stench of a few weeks off that have plagued our patented, custom-built supercomputer known as the Video On Demand Power Ranker. It’s a movie from Bryan Singer, and not really the good kind. There’s also something delightful (maybe) for fans of short-form horror, fans of odd thrillers, the apocalypse and the grimace of Bruce Willis. Oh yeah, it’s all in there this week. And for your convenience, we’ve ranked them in order of worthiness for your hard-earned dollar.

1. Stoker

The Pitch: According to our main man Rob Hunter’s review from this year’s Sundance Film Festival, “Park Chan-wook’s visual brilliance is on full display here” in this creepy, sometimes inappropriately seductive and overwhelmingly moody affair. Matthew Goode plays a wicked creep, Nicole Kidman gives some wicked stares and Clint Mansell’s score adds some serious beauty to the English-language debut of a filmmaker we’ve been trumpeting for years. Now is your chance to get on the Park Chan-wook train, if you haven’t already.

Available On: iTunes, Cable On Demand, Amazon, Vudu and XBox Live.

2. A Good Day to Die Hard

The Pitch: John McClane (Bruce Willis) is just asking for trouble this time, as he takes flight to Russia to reconnect to his estranged son Jack (Jai Courtney). And from there, as Die Hard movies are wont to do, things spin wildly out of control. The good news is that there’s some rapid, rough-housing action in this one. The not-so-good news is that it feels like the dialogue and story were written by someone who watched only Live Free or Die Hard and thought, “Yeah, I could make one of those.” It has its fun, Bruce Willis looks mostly engaged and a bunch of stuff gets blowed up real good, so there are worse ways to spend 98-minutes.

Available On: iTunes, Vudu, Cable on Demand, Amazon, YouTube, Google Play and XBox Live.

3. Warm Bodies

The Pitch: This zombie romance movie (yes, you read that correctly) isn’t going to break down the barriers between the living and the undead — especially not with the slanderous anti-zombie film World War Z hitting theaters soon — but it does have some charm. Nicholas Hoult plays a zombie whose brain still works, even if his body is rotting. Teresa Palmer plays the object of his affection. He gives her his heart. Not literally, although that is both possible and cool in this scenario.

Available On: iTunes, Amazon, Cable on Demand, Vudu and XBox Live.

4. V/H/S/2

The Pitch: For those of you who enjoyed the first V/H/S film, a horror anthology film put together by some of the genre’s brightest young stars, they’ve made a second helping. This time filmmakers Simon Barrett and Adam Wingard are joined by the likes of Hobo with a Shotgun director Jason Eisener and The Raid director Gareth Evans, among others. They weave together four wicked stories, bridged together by two private investigators who fall upon a set of unlabeled video tapes found in an abandoned house. Haven’t we all learned yet to never watch the unlabeled videotapes of strangers?

Available On: Cable on Demand (as a pre-theatrical release).

5. Rapture-Palooza

The Pitch: Just watch the red band trailer I’ve included above. This movie looks absolutely ridiculous. If that trailer doesn’t sell you, I don’t know if I can help you.

Available On: Cable on Demand and XBox Live.

6. Jack the Giant Slayer

The Pitch: It’s an updated version of Jack and the Beanstalk, but way more expensive and far more idiotic  In fact, our own Jack Giroux had this to say: “It’s too goofy for most adults, not energetic enough for kids and instead exists as a tonally bizarre, lethargically paced oddity.” And I believe that’s what he liked about it.

Available On: iTunes, Vudu, Amazon and XBox Live.

Also Streaming This Week

Click the links to visit our full reviews, where available:

Movie 43 – on iTunes, Vudu, Amazon, YouTube, Cable on Demand, Google Play and XBox Live.

21 & Over – on iTunes, Vudu, Amazon and XBox Live.

Escape from Planet Earth – on iTunes, Vudu, Amazon, Cable on Demand and XBox Live.

Broken – on Cable on Demand.

Tiger Eyes – on Cable on Demand.

Identity Thief – on iTunes, Vudu, Amazon, Cable on Demand, YouTube, Google Play and XBox Live.


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