All in all, this was a decent summer. There were plenty of highs and lows, with zero grand achievements for either sides of that scale. We could argue endlessly about what movies lived up to the hype or which ones totally blew it, but where’s the fun in having that conversation for the thousandth time over twitter? What we all should be discussing is the important stuff, like, how sad Damon Lindelof‘s Twitter feed could get this summer or how many ounces of man sweat we think Matthew McConaughey shed in Magic Mike?

These are the real topics worthy of discussion, ’cause who cares why Vickers didn’t run a few feet to the right to easily save her life in Prometheus? Or how on earth Batman survived that nuclear blast when we clearly saw him in The Bat before the blast? These are details we all need to let go of. What you all really need to know is who came out as the winners and losers of this summer season, and I’m here to tell you who.

The Losers

Damon Lindelof’s Twitter Feed

“No, no, that’s not a plot hole, that’s ambiguity!”

Writer Lindelof took a well-known lashing for the finale of LOST. It can’t be easy to constant hear smack talked about your passion project on a daily basis, especially when you just want to tweet about how bad you thought January Jones was in X-Men: First Class. So years later, Prometheus comes along, making some of the harsher reactions to the LOST finale come off as kind. Whether you like Lindelof’s “open-ended” stories or not, you can’t deny there’s no way some of these tweets Lindelof received didn’t hurt…

If those tweets aren’t critical enough, it must be even sadder when Tyler Perry of all people criticizes your pretty damn cool movie.

That Dark Knight Rises Script

Bruce Wayne pondering why he’s barely the star of his own movie.

What a mess. From a thematic standpoint to structure, The Dark Knight Rises was more bloated than epic: too many side characters who aren’t half as interesting as the lead they took screen time away from, the jumps in logic, and the two “romances” which further proved Nolan doesn’t have much interest in female characters. Nolan and the cast brought their A-game, but they just happened to forget a script to bring along with them.

The Non-Ending of The Bourne Legacy 

Renner and Weisz trying to find a proper ending.

As Neil Miller said, The Bourne Legacy ” just fizzles out and ends. That Moby song comes along, the credits roll and that’s it. There’s no closure to the story, no big climactic moment of heroism. Something is being held back. This isn’t just a fourth film in an action franchise, it’s an act of desperation by a studio in need of a franchise.” Unfortunately, The Bourne Legacy seemed more interested in providing an ending one or two movies down the line. That third act goes so big, that it’s baffling that the movie ended on, “Well, I guess that’s it? I don’t know, but we’ll find out in the next film!”

Seth Grahame-Smith’s Genre-Mashing Tricks Fail

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

“I freed the slaves, and none of you came to see my movie.”

A lot of stock was being put into Seth Grahame-Smith, with two films in one summer, a few adaptations of his work being developed, and a rumored Beetlejuice 2. But after the bombing of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Dark Shadows, apparently not a whole lot of people are interested in Grahame-Smith’s B-movie sensibility. Dark Shadows wasn’t a summer movie and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter barely qualified as an actual movie.

Man’s Man Tommy Lee Jones Gets Scared

“One more word about Al Gore and I will shoot you.”

That poor, poor man. Whenever I saw an interview with TJ, I wanted to give the ‘ol guy a hug; he always looked miserable. With having to discuss Men in Black III and Hope Springs, the man took a serious beating. If you see the interview with Jones on The View – where he’s asked about being roommates with Al Gore, a topic he’s apparently not fond of discussing over and over again – if you stare deep down into his eyes, you can see the heartache he’s going through.

Is that a real smile or the face of a man dying slowly on the inside?

Scratch that, now here’s the face of a man dying slowly on the inside.


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