We realize that you’re probably sitting at home right now, chewing your own nails off and wondering what movies are coming out this month. Maybe you’re even wondering why no one on the entire internet has said anything about them by now. Strange, we know.

Fortunately, Rob Hunter and Cole Abaius spent the entire month of August going to the local library, making phone calls to important producers and making fan trailers out of macaroni to make sure that you, dear reader, are in the know about what’s coming out in September.

Don’t let Machete scare you. If you watch movies, this guide’s for you.

September 3rd

The American

Who did it? Directed by Anton Corbijn; Written by Rowan Joffe; Starring George Clooney, Irina Bjorklund, and Paolo Bonacelli

What is it? An assassin takes to the streets of Italy for a good hiding space, a good conversation with a man of the cloth, and one last job.

What about it? I realize it technically comes out on September 1st, but it throws off our nicely organized feature, so Clooney and company will have to deal with it. Or come hunt us down. Digressions aside, Clooney has chosen great, intimate character projects ever since Out of Sight. This particular project looks a bit like Michael Clayton meets A Sniper Rifle – an apt combination. Plus, director Anton Corbijn’s Control is as good a band biopic as you could ever want. It’ll be a thrill to see him in his first large film outside the world of bands and music videos. Personal demons and the promise of a car chase or shoot out? Sounds like it’s Oscar-worthy. -CA

Watch the trailer:

Machete

Who did it? Directed by Ethan Maniquis and Robert Rodriguez; Written by Robert Rodriguez and Alvaro Rodriguez; Starring Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, and a cast of dozens

What is it? One bad ass Mexican jumps from a fake trailer into the world of feature length film as he seeks bloody revenge.

What about it? There has been a growing lust for grindhouse-style cinema ever since QT praised it at the beginning of his career. As most major feature films continue to slide toward the middle, it’s refreshing to see filmmakers still swinging for the fences and purposefully trying to irritate audiences. With any luck, Machete will offend just the right amount of people without getting deported. Catching a screening in Arizona might be difficult. Plus, Cheech Marin as a gun-toting priest is the stuff of dreams. Bring on the senseless violence. -CA

Watch the trailer:

Going the Distance

Who did it? Directed by Nanette Burstein; Written by Geoff LaTulippe; Starring Drew Barrymore, Justin Long, Christina Applegate, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudeikis

What is it? A couple trying to keep it light and disease-free fall for each other and face the dreaded horrors untold of keeping a long distance relationship together.

What about it? With the drought of solid romantic comedies out there, this film seems to be a call back to the classic formula and a breath of fresh air at the same time. It’s just raunchy enough to be real, and Long and Barrmore are together in real life so the chemistry is no problem. Toss in the standard sidekick best friends with a weird Always Sunny twist of Charlie, and drink until you’ve forgotten your bad break up. Nanette Burstein also directed the documentaries The Kid Stays in the Picture and American Teen. Her first fictional film is a step in the right direction. -CA

Watch the trailer:

A Simple Noodle Story

Who did it? Directed by Yimou Zhang; Written by Jianquan Shi and Jing Shang; Based on the Blood Simple screenplay by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen; Starring Honglei Sun, Dahong Ni, and Ni Yan

What is it? Set in 1800s China, a noodle shop owner plots the murder of his wife when things go terribly off the tracks.

What about it? The buzz for this film comes from two directions. One, the concept of taking Blood Simple and setting it in 19th century China with a comedic twist is just crazy enough to work. Two, director Yimou Zhang has proven his talent (from Ju Dou to Hero to Curse of the Golden Flower) so thoroughly that any film he puts out is at least worth a look. -CA

Watch the trailer:


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