We realize that you’re probably sitting at home right now, chewing your own nails off and wondering what movies are coming out this month. Maybe you’re even wondering why no one on the entire internet has said anything about them. Strange, we know.

Fortunately, Rob Hunter and Cole Abaius spent the entire month of November dumpster diving in studio lots, mailing in proof of purchase codes on cereal boxes, and building trailers from old plywood to make sure that you, dear reader, are in the know about what’s coming out in December.

You watch movies, so this guide’s for you.

December 3rd

Black Swan

Who did it? Directed by Darren Aronofsky; Written by Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz, and John McLaughlin; Starring Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Vincent Cassel

What is it? A young ballet student starts having dreams about a girl who turns into a swan in a horror film that no one will call a horror film.

Why should we care? Even with his missteps, Aronofsky is nothing if not an innovative filmmaker who points his bat at the bleachers. With Portman leading a fantastic cast in a surreal, psychological horror film that echoes Red Shoes and Suspiria, the film (a spiritual partner to The Wrestler) has a shot at being a truly unique experience at the theater, and that’s a rare thing these days. -CA

Watch the trailer:

I Love You Phillip Morris

Who did it? Directed and Written by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa; Starring Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor

What is it? Two men fall in love in prison, the third most romantic place in the world.

Why should we care? Rob Hunter has already lobbed praise on it, and he’s usually correct about these sorts of things (except for his disastrous views on Milo and Otis). Plus, Carrey at his dramatic best is a sight to behold, and McGregor is almost always a force to be reckoned with. It’s been almost a year since it debuted at Sundance, the rest of the world has already seen it, and it’s finally making a break for the big screens near you. -CA

Watch the trailer:

The Warrior’s Way

Who did it? Directed and Written by Sngmoo Lee; Starring Dong-gun Jang, Kate Bosworth, and Geoffrey Rush

What is it? Ninjas. Damn.

Why should we care? A little style over substance never hurt anybody. From the looks of the trailer, The Warrior’s Way might be an action movie from a portrait artist. The lines of dialog, on the other hand, leave a bit to be desired. On the other hand, it’s great to finally know what Kate Bosworth has been up to, and a western town being infested with ninjas seems like the perfect antidote to all the “smart” movies coming out this awards season. -CA

Watch the trailer:

All Good Things

Who did it? Directed by Andrew Jarecki; Written by Marcus Hinchey and Marc Smerling; Starring Ryan Gosling, Kirsten Dunst, and Frank Langella

What is it? A stunning portrait of love and murder that has nothing to do with Martha Stewart.

Why should we care? Come on, everyone. It’s the first feature length non-documentary movie from the man who composed the title theme to Felicity. Not sold yet? You’re too picky. -CA

Watch the trailer:

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