When we at Junkfood Cinema heard that we had somehow again avoided outright cancellation, clearly an oversight on the part of hectically busy and woefully unobservant management, we decided to celebrate with another installment of the Junkfood Cinema Awards, affectionately known (read “irresponsibly abbreviated”) as The Junkies. Since this was our sophomore effort, we really wanted to flaunt our year-long incompetence with plenty of pomp and circumstance. We therefore hired a big time Hollywood director, one who had similarly proven his commitment to terrible films, to produce a garish, way-too-expensive, online awards ceremony. But then we had to fire him over some incredibly unsavory comments he made; something about rehearsals being for fatties. So instead, we’re just going to do the exact same crap we did last year. Enjoy.
The Junkiest Prime Number of 2011: 2
What the hell does that mean? First of all, just assume I’ve anticipated your asking that question of every single category or you may very well pass out from confounded sighing. 2011 was a big year for sequels here at JFC, with 8 total followups being canonized. We labored over this category for literally days on end; neglecting sleep, but never food. At first we seemed pretty keen on the number 3 (as in Scream 3, Final Destination 3, and Jurassic Park 3–all featured this year), but it lacked the paradoxical irony of also being an even number; not to mention the political implications. Also, and much more likely the reason than that thing I just said, we actually covered five different part 2’s this year: Death Wish 2, Stepfather 2, Home Alone 2, Conan the Destroyer, and U.S. Marshals. Thank you, number 2.
Grossest Misuse of the Entire Screen Actors Guild: Dick Tracy
Seriously, there are more clueless, direction-free actors in this film than at a political rally and/or benefit concert for third-world countries in which they own beachfront property. Watching Dick Tracy is tantamount to attending one of those Eyes Wide Shut orgies (except way filthier) wherein every single attendee is riddled with shame and hiding their true faces under copious piles of makeup. Except Madonna of course, who is doing all she can to keep her face perfectly in frame…as well as her frame perfectly in your face.
Worst Understanding of the Basic Tenets of Law: Sylvester Stallone (Over the Top)
Stallone is a regular guest of our relentless mockery. In fact, his frequency of appearances saw him sharing 2010’s coveted Musclehead of the Year award with equally repeatedly mocked Austrian half-goon action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger. But in 2011, he opted for (lack of) quality over (embarrassing) quantity, appearing in the column only twice. However, in Over the Top, he exhibits enough brazen stupidity in one sitting to last through even the brainiest of winters. Not only does he subscribe to the concept that custody of his son can be obtained via the winning of an arm-wrestling contest, but he pursues this course in spite of the fact that he LEGALLY HAS CUSTODY THE ENTIRE TIME!!! *Face* *Palm*
Best Ambassador of Blaxploitation: Sho’nuff (The Last Dragon)
Here at JFC, we take blaxploitation very seriously, too seriously, and then uncomfortably seriously. Every year we designate February as Blaxploitation History Month, showcasing some of the best of this controversial b-movie genre as well as simultaneously proving just how white we really are. And yet, even with the likes of Slaughter, Coffy, Black Belt Jones, and Dolemite turning up in February, our selection for the person most representative of the spirit of the subversive subgenre was featured in a movie written into the annals of our cyber tome of misery by guest author Adam Charles. The Last Dragon‘s Sho’nuff, the self-proclaimed Shogun of Harlem, is a modern day (and by modern day, I of course mean the 80s) version of Dolemite: a lyrical loudmouth with a fashion that can only be described as…visible.
Most Inane Phobia: The Color White (Blackjack)
Every hero needs a weakness, something to keep him (or her) grounded and vulnerable so that the audience can relate. For Superman it was kryptonite, for Magneto it was plastics, and for The Green Lantern it was evidently pacing and plot structure. So what was hero Dolph Lundgren’s Achilles Heel in John Woo’s Blackjack? The color white. That’s right, this Swedish man mountain is routinely foiled by…the presence of all chroma in the light spectrum. Classical conditioning notwithstanding, unless of course Jack was violated with a milk bottle by the Abominable Snowman, this seems a hilariously absurd choice for a foible.
Guest Contributor of the Year: Luke Mullen
As much as my heart, and my aversion to sleeping on the couch, tells me to go with my lovely wife who wrote not one, but two pieces this year, the numbers do not lie (except the ones on that bastard bathroom scale). Therefore, the clear winner this year is Luke Drago Mullen. Luke turned in a whopping six entries this year covering the greasy gamut from Pitch Black to The Mummy (daring choices, considering how easily sand gets stuck in his beard). Luke preformed more than admirably and proved without a shadow of a doubt that I am 100% obsolete. Honorable Mentions: Mrs. Junkfood, Adam Charles, and Kate Erbland. Photo courtesy of John Gholson’s Taking Requests.
Worst Indictment of Heavy Metal: Black Roses
Look, we are all well aware that heavy metal music is the dark lord’s most insidious weapon against the innocent followers of the Almighty. Well no, I take that back; it’s actually Angry Birds. But heavy metal is still pretty evil. And yet even I have trouble swallowing the anti-metal (so, pro-wood?) propaganda of 1988’s Black Roses. They actually insinuate that attending one heavy metal concert will make American teenagers (American teenagers who are Canadian, no less) fight, smoke, and have plenty of the sex; plugging their ears and singing as the world tries to remind them that these teenage indiscretions are also known side effects of…being teenagers. Thankfully, they also throw in as evidence rubber-boobed demon puppets and devil worshipers who use Yankee Candles in their dark, but pleasantly scented, consorts with Lucifer.
Best Represented Mythical Creature: The Dragon
In our ongoing efforts to each year have the federal government to certify one mythical creature as real, we’ve again failed. However, 2011 turned out to be a great year for dragons both cinema figuratively and cinema literally. We clocked a grand total of four dragon-related pieces. What’s more, we had a different author contribute each of the four dragon pieces…sounds like the plot of some terrible Shaw Brothers movie. Dragonslayer (by moi) and DragonHeart (by the lovely Mrs. Junkfood) featured “actual” dragons while The Last Dragon (by Adam Charles) and Kiss of the Dragon (via Luke Mullen) featured characters, of varying levels of Asian descent, nicknamed Dragon. It’s such a shame that we still live in a society under the control of a mythist government. Occupy Reality!
Most Apathetic Hero: Dan Haggerty (Elves)
“Grizzly” Dan “Grizzly Adams” Haggerty “Adams,” at some point after the cancellation of his television series about a man-ursine love affair, developed a terminal case of the DontGiveAShits. Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of put-upon cinematic “lifers” who stop giving each and every role their all. But there’s not busting your ass, and then there’s refusing to take the cigarette out of your mouth long enough to fight the gun-toting Nazi cultists trying to use an evil elf to spawn a race of supermen. So not only does Haggerty look like a homeless person they found at the bus stop minutes before shooting, but apparently his approach to the role was to embody a homeless person found at a bus stop minutes before shooting.
The Most Disgusting Junkfood Pairing Stuffed Inside The 2nd Most Disgusting Junkfood Pairing: A Ryan’s Buffet Stuffed Inside a Marshmallow Peep (Deep Blue Sea, U.S. Marshals)
It’s a good thing this category speaks for itself, because I have a serious challenge ahead of me. We’re gonna need a really, really…tiny Ryan’s Buffet.
There’s always more helpings of Junkfood Cinema