The First (and Probably Only) Annual Junkfood Cinema Awards

Welcome back to that thing the title line said it is! Well another year has passed and you’ve wasted dozens of Fridays scarfing down bad movies until your eyeballs cry out for mercy. Good for you! When Master Chief Neil Miller asked me to a be a part of the Film School Rejects 2010 Year in Review, I cursed him for making me put forth some modicum of effort. I mean honestly, how could I possibly choose my 10 favorite Junkfood Cinema entries when I don’t feel any of them are worth celebrating? So instead, I’ve decidedly to launch what will surely not become a yearly tradition: The Junkfood Cinema Awards. Prepare yourselves…for The Junkies!

Best Worst Videogame Adaptation: Mortal Kombat

For it’s woefully bad script, even more woefullierly bad acting, and inattentiveness to the laws of basic spelling, Mortal Kombat takes top prize of all the videogame film adaptations covered this year. Take that Super Mario Brothers! Both of you! [Read the Full Article Here]

Most Racially Insensitive Children’s Film: The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao

Tony Randall plays a crazy old white guy who pretends to be an Asian stereotype for laughs. Yup, it’s charmingly racist in a whimsically hard to watch type of way. Confucius say…”You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.” [Read the Full Article Here]

Most Wasted Cameo: The Entire Cast of Mars Attacks

Tim Burton aims to sequester all of Hollywood so nobody else could make a movie. But then, like an insane child with a box full of movie star action figures, he proceeds to dispatch every actor with gleefully sadistic abandon. Oh, and Natalie Portman’s in it. [Read the Full Article Here]

Best Ambiguously Gay Superhero: The Phantom

This was not an easy category; so many codpieces and spandex onesies. But in the end, Billy Zane’s ode to Prince’s Purple Rain wins him the rainbow medal if for no other reason than the fact that if not for Treat Williams sending flunkies into his jungle, he would have spent his whole life in a cave with another dude. [Read the Full Article Here]

Most Disgusting Junkfood Pairing: Beereal

In honor of the most nonsensical litmus test of a man’s badassitude, I decided to try topping my cereal with beer instead of milk. If Point Break taught me anything, it’s that throwing up at breakfast is no more pleasant than throwing up at dinner. Gross. [Read the Full Article Here]

Hit the next page to see the final five Junkie Awards in all their sugary glory…

Brian Salisbury has been a film critic and internet gadfly for six years. He is the co-host of FSR's Junkfood Cinema podcast and the co-founder of OneOfUs.Net. Brian is a cult film and exploitation buff who loves everything from Charlie Chaplin to Charlie Bronson.

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