5. MIB Headquarters in Men In Black
So you’ve completely given up your friends, family, and identity. Great! Now sit at this desk for eight hours. After all – one thing you might notice about Men In Black is that every big world-changing mission is handled by just two guys while the rest presumably sit around.
Or worse – maybe while J and K are out saving the world from that tentacle chick, there are literally 100 other world-threatening situations that the other agents are also attending to. I’m not sure what’s worse.
4. Merrick Biotech in The Island
A good rule of thumb: if you have to tunnel into a secret underground lair every day, your job is probably not great. While statistically, most henchmen actually have it not too terrible when you account for how many there must be day-to-day, the problem with working at Merrick Biotech is that you’re either going to be a sociopath or on the brink of suicide.
It’s like working at a slaughterhouse if the animals were innocent people. And there’s no job that doesn’t in some way interact with them – either before or after the harvest.
3. Wonka Industries in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory
This would be such a heartbreaking place to work. For one, your boss is an insane shut-in who dresses like a fancy clown every day. Secondly, if you work here you’re probably an orange slave gnome with no rights. You get to spend your days practicing dance routines and fishing dead kids out of the chocolate river drain filter.
And what’s worse, when you think about it, candy fumes are probably terrible for your lungs. Sugar-lung, they call it, and it’s probably the reason everyone in that town is miserable.
2. The Umbrella Corporation in Resident Evil
Let’s take the zombie virus out of the equation for just a moment and focus on the day-to-day aspect of this job. You live in Raccoon City, or if your budget doesn’t allow, some god-forsaken berg outside of Raccoon City. You commute into work every day at like seven in the morning, somehow finding breakfast and parking – possibly taking a commuter rail. And then you have to take the long trip underground into work where it’s so dismal that they simulate sunlight? Fuck that.
If anything, the zombie outbreak was a nice change in scenery for most of these people. Not to mention that I.T. is a scary little girl – so every time email goes down you feel like you’re in The Shining.
1. The Afterlife in Beetlejuice
The wonderful thing about every job I’ve listed above is that – at the very least – you know that someday it will end by death’s sweet design. But imagine that you’re so cooped up in office hell that death’s design isn’t quick enough, and you decide to just pull the cord yourself. Sweet relief!
Nope! Now you have to work in a dimly lit horror office… for eternity. If there is a crueler idea than having to punch in after death, I’d like to hear it.