With a new film on the immediate horizon, Freddy Krueger is ready to take another run at the big time. As one of the most recognizable characters in horror, you probably have a soft spot for him. You fondly recall him being “Ready for Prime Time, bitch” and his extendo-arms. If you’re Rob Hunter, you relate to his questionable sexual practices. No doubt you’ve come across the fond remembrances of his 10 Greatest Kills or 15 Best One Liners, or something of that nature.
Well, stow that shit, because here comes a dose of reality. Freddy is a cool character. Some of his movies are interesting. Some are total shit. I’ve spent eight hours living in what are widely regarded as the four worst films of the series, mining them for examples of just why Nightmare is ready for a remake. I ignored anything bad that may have happened in the good movies and focused on the shit sequels. So without further patty caking, here are ten of Krueger’s worst moments.
10. No Nudity – Dream Child
Horror movies, especially slashers, are known for their nudity. It’s part of the appeal, a piece of the deal, etc more rhyming. In Dream Child we get the perfect opportunity to see some boobs – a fully naked woman in the shower. However, the scene is shot so that we never see anything clearly. Nightmare, as a franchise, is severely lacking in the boob department.
9. Bare-Assed Towel Whipping – Freddy’s Revenge
But when it comes to the naked male butt department, Nightmare is a real winner. In the second installment, mere moments after a trip to a gay bar, the hero Jesse is witness to his dominatrix gym class teacher being stripped bare, tied to the showers, and whipped with a towel until his ass is red and raw.
8. The Terrifying Map & Death of a Deaf Kid – Freddy’s Dead
The deaf kid in this flick gets no respect. The first time Krueger “attacks” him, it’s with a giant map that one stop unfolding. He doesn’t even get a papercut, he just gets confused as to why a map keeps unfolding. Later, the evil Krueger super-hearing aide causes his head to explode- not because of all the yelling he’s doing, but because Freddy scratches a chalkboard.
7. Freddy Hosts a TV Show – Freddy’s Nightmares
No, I’m not talking about the TV joke in Dream Warriors, but rather the TV show Freddy Krueger hosted. The show had little to do with nightmares or Freddy, but he did introduce every episode a la the Crypt Keeper.
6. Freddy Sucks at Nintendo – Freddy’s Dead
While some may enjoy the Nintendo PowerGlove reference, I never had a PowerGlove. All I know is that, despite this being made in 1991, Freddy controls a nightmare game console with an old Atari stick and the graphics look like a cartoon, not an 8 or 16 bit system.
5. The Crazy Parrot – Freddy’s Revenge
I don’t know what kind of crack Jesse’s parents smoke in this, but it’s apparently pretty strong. When a parrot escapes from its cage, it attacks the family, flies around a bit, and then explodes in a fireball. The mother blames it on a gas leak while the father blames it on cheap bird seed. What. The. Fuck.
4. 15 Minutes of 3D Gimmickry – Freddy’s Dead
If you hate 3D, imagine having to hold onto the glasses and then put them on over an hour into the movie. That’s just what happens here as a character is handed a pair of 3D glasses and then the movie shifts to 3D. There are some cool visuals, but everything is a huge gimmick as things fly at the screen, including the source of Freddy’s power – three fishheads with spines that fly around.
3. Everyone is Freddy! – Dream Child
This movie starts out with a tiny infant Freddy that crawls into some Krueger clothing and then springs to fullsize. The movie ends with basically everyone still alive getting Freddy Krueger make-up put on their faces. Whether it’s heroine Alice, who rips Freddy off of her, or little baby Freddy on the run again, or Alice’s unborn baby who exists as an 8 year old in her dream, they all take a turn as Freddy. Oh, and then Freddy shows up. Before being turned into a baby and shoved into his nun-mother’s ghost belly.
2. Going Meta in New Nightmare – Wes Craven’s New Nightmare
In trying to breathe life back into the franchise and get away from the comedic shenanigans, Wes Craven returned to writing/directing duties in what can easily be considered the precursor to Scream. In this film, Freddy is a popular and iconic horror character and the first film was real – a real film, that is. Robert Englund, Wes Craven, and Heather Langenkamp all star as themselves. For some reason, then, Freddy turns out to be some sort of real demon who does most of his scaring through the use of California’s fault lines, as there are about 8 earthquakes in this movie. To top off the absurdity, Wes Craven’s script that he writes for the proposed sequel holds power over the movie and at one point, Heather picks it up and reads what’s happening. Stupid.
1. Jesse – Freddy’s Revenge
By now you’ve probably noticed that several of these shit moments come from Freddy’s Revenge, the first sequel and shittiest movie of them all. It actually has a high body count, but it refuses to play by the rules – a significant portion of the bad things that happen occur while people are awake, with Krueger influencing the real world and, apparently, parrots. The worst part of this film by far is the lead, Jesse. He screams like a little girl at the slightest provocation and acts like a queen the whole time. When told to clean his room, he puts on the gayest sounding record (though he’s straight, he likes a girl) and proceeds to dance around the room, closing desk drawers but softly bumping them with his ass. He then humps a bed post, grabs a cork gun and holds it in front of his crotch while thrusting/dancing. Then his mom opens the door with his lady friend and the cork gun goes off. By far, the worst hero in the history of cinema.
So, there you have it. My ten picks for the worst, or at least most embarrassing, Freddy Krueger moments of all time. I’d say the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street has a pretty good chance of jumping to at least fourth best in the series, so long as no characters suggestively hump wooden shafts so hard parrots explode.
What’s your pick for worst moment involving Freddy Krueger?
Editor’s Note: Cleanse the crap from your palette with Dustin Hucks’s list of 10 Best Freddy Moments.