IntroResurrections

Because Jesus. Also, The Walking Dead hit its season finale on the same day everyone celebrated the most famous resurrection, so it seemed like the right subject for this week’s list. Everyone loves a good underdog story, and there’s no bigger obstacle to overcome than death, right?

Coming back from the dead is a hell of a trick, and while there’s the usual reasons like a witch doctor or vampirism or converting into some kind of stupid blue ghost, sometimes an idea will come along that stands out from the norm – mostly because it’s a little silly in concept.

That isn’t to say it’s bad. No, it’s just… not very profound. For example:

10. Gandalf’s Magical Promotion in The Lord Of The Rings

GandalfWhite

That’s as much explanation as we get for Gandalf’s sudden spring back to life, not that anyone is complaining. Gandalf was a gray wizard, which I’m assuming is like a trainee or in terms of a movie theater, an usher or something. Then he dies, and that somehow gets him moved up to white level, or projectionist. Concessions would be elves or something in this analogy, which I’m starting to think isn’t perfect.

You know, maybe Gandalf just made all that shit up. It’s makes way more sense than the explanation he gives of “Then darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell.”

That’s the kind of shit someone says when they show up late for dinner high as a cloud. Frankly I don’t know why anyone would trust a man whose primary occupation appears to be a traveling fireworks display.

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9.Westley Being ‘Mostly Dead’ in The Princess Bride

One could argue that since he was only mostly dead, or slightly alive, it’s not a true resurrection. Sure, but also, whatever. He would have been dead had they not thought to bring the man in black to the film’s comedic deus ex machina for a nice climb from the low point to the third act. Luckily for a film that exists solely in the words of a rambling old man, it makes as much sense as it needs to.

You know what? They should do this with more films. Anytime Michael Bay needs to sell a new toy, just put the entire film in the point of view of an old codger telling some snotty kid a bedtime tale – that way, any and all plot holes can be shrugged up to dementia and/or macular degeneration.

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8. Sneaking Out Of Heaven in All Dogs Go To Heaven

AllDogsHeaven

I have a theory that the Night Of The Living Dead world and All Dogs Go To Heaven world are the same; what happened was everyone found out at once about that clock loophole, and it turns out that it’s a bit more messy for humans to come back than it is for dogs – hence zombies.

I’m a big fan of this film; it shined a much-needed light on the scourge of underground, organized dog crime. Sure, little Rex looks cute enough when he tells you that he’s just in doggy waste management or that he can’t help it if his puppy pizza place attracts a certain kind of crowd, but it’s only a weak owner that convinces themselves of the lie. Sure, it’s hard to give up the high life of security and an endless supply of scraps, but that’s the financial sacrifice one has to make – otherwise you’ll be burying a pillowcase in a matter of weeks.

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7. Resurrection By Love… Or Something in The Matrix

NeoDead

Can anyone explain this? Was this resurrection-by-plot-loophole?

“You can’t die because The One can’t die. And since I’m supposed to love The One and I love you, then you’re The One. And The One can’t die, so you can’t die.” And then it actually works? Like the movie gods just step in and say, “Yeah, no – those bullets don’t count because love and you’re the main character after all.” And then we all just move on with the plot like something weird didn’t just happen.

And yet, after this, they still keep trying to kill him. You’d think after he gets shot several times and then just… doesn’t die… the agents would give up and become some kind of Blue Man type act where they move weird and turn people’s grandmas into them or something fun like that. At least that’s what I would have done.

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6. Planned Resuscitation After Beating Up A Ghost in The Frighteners

JFoxGhostFrighteners

Who else misses horror director Peter Jackson? It’s all well and good that you nerds love nerd Peter Jackson, but to be frank: I had him first. I remember watching Braindead in the A/V room at my high school for the first time and thinking how it was exactly what every movie should be. The thought of that mind, that wonderful weird mind having, like, $100 billion dollars to make a movie seemed like a hilarious fantasy. And yet, he keeps doing it. Somehow this guy went from directing a torso-less John Astin humping a mummy to directing his son quest for the ring of power five years later with no other films in between. The whole thing is weird.

Anyway, keeping with the actual theme here, Michael J. Fox is a ghost hunter who dies to beat up Jake Busey and is then resuscitated by what looks like but isn’t actually Andie MacDowell. This is by far one of the funnest films ever made.


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