8. We Run Out Of Babies – Children Of Men

What a drag. Suddenly being blinked out of the solar system by aliens isn’t such a bad fate; we could be forced to watch our race slowly die off over many years. This is the planetary equivalent of starving to death – as every lady on the planet has, for some unknown reason, become infertile. Suddenly we have no reason as a race to progress, creating the ultimate depression. Really freaking lame. We literally have to just sit around, most likely drunk, and wait for the last one to go. This is why in this scenario there is actually an over-the-counter suicide pill, which of course is a clear sign that things are going to shit.

As if that weren’t horrible enough – it appears that we’re also doing a bang up job of annihilating each other as well. According to the film, the only stable nation left is the UK, and even they are rounding people up into camps. Yeesh – can’t help but to wonder just what the hell went down in the States… one of the few things the movie tells us is that New York City was nuked at some point, so that sucks. Seriously, fictional earth people, you find out that there will be no more babies and the first thing you do is go ape-shit on each other with nukes? Yeah – great idea.

7. A Giant Ball Of Evil – The Fifth Element

Just a big ol’ ball of death – nothing too specific here. No need to explain what the evil is, or why it has targeted earth, or why Milla Jovovich is the only one who can kill it. Keeping it simple: big scary ball in space wants to kills us every five thousand years and Bruce Willis needs to stop it. Fair enough – it’s not like we need any explanation; the film was perfectly awesome as is – but if this was a real life scenario it would be pretty damn irritating to watch all the leaders of the world shrug when asked what exactly was going down. And when it’s all over we’re treated to a brand new moon in the form of the dead evil ball looming like a few miles over earth… that can’t be good for the tides.

This has to be the best Bruce Willis action film… maybe the second best (The Last Boy Scout exists after all). The reason why is that, while Die Hard is fantastic, it’s sort of what we expect from Willis when it comes to action – some grizzled cop making smart-ass remarks while stopping terrorists. But in this film we get to see that same blunt attitude, only in the future and wearing ridiculous orange tank tops.

It’s John McClane… in space. How cool is that?

Also – Gary Oldman… holy shit Gary Oldman – why is this one of his best performances? He’s an amazing actor in everything, and yet this is the role that I can’t get out of my head.

Fun fact: both Bruce Willis’s character and Gary Oldman’s, while being enemies in this film, don’t actually ever meet.


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