It’s New Years’ Eve, the holiday that draws some of the biggest, greatest, drunkest parties of the entire year. Christmas can go drown itself in egg nog. To Hell with Halloween. Fourth of July? Screw you Fourth of July. Don’t make that face. You know why.
Of course, such a huge party takes a long time to put together and if you’ve waited until now, you’re pretty much screwed. Take solace. You can always consult the greats for advice, if you know someone who can get their hands on a 100 yard Slip ‘n Slide and a donkey. Here are the greatest parties in movie history.
10. The parties from Billy Madison
Billy Madison throws a party almost every week every time he passes a grade and every party seems bigger than the next. There’s only one thing better than a kids’ birthday party where the parents are richer than God, the kid is richer than God. They can hire everything from four wheelers to bears that can roller skate and all you have to do is show up and bring a present and it doesn’t even matter what the present is because chances are the kid already has it or buy it ten times over.
9. The keg party from Dazed and Confused
Remember that old high school days when you’d cruise from neighborhood to neighborhood in search of either a group of kids who would let you sneak into their party and/or had more beer than a drunken Indians fan on nickel mug night? Dazed and Confused captures those days perfectly, those final days of reckless partying and utter disregard for health and human safety just before we become (sort of) adults. It’s the kind of drunken party we wish we could have every night as long as we didn’t have to wake up the next morning for work.
8. The pool party from Anchorman
It’s the 70s. Handlebar mustaches are in style. Velvet clothing is acceptable for males and females. You can walk around in your underwear and ladies will still talk to you instead of giving you a puss full of mace. The Anchorman party is just the kind of groove we’d like to throw if we had the women, the chest hair and the pool.
7. The key party from The Ice Storm
Sure it’s a hotbed of sin and infidelity and reduces the love that a man and a woman share to nothing but meaningless nookie and a romp in the sack, but if you had a one in 11 chance to score with Ripley from Alien, don’t tell me you wouldn’t toss your key into the bowl. What are you? Gay or something? You’re probably an alien, a big gay alien.
6. The godless idol worshipping party from The Ten Commandments
Moses leaves the clan for a few days to climb Mount Sinai, and Dathan convinces the freed slaves to leave their God behind and throw a huge, bitching shindig in honor of their new god, a giant golden calf. It’s exactly the kind of party we always knew the world would throw if we knew no one was watching, complete with wine, nudity and human sacrifice. Someone would have to clean it up the next morning.
5. The Pit Party from PCU
When all else fails, throw a party. That’s the theme of this under-appreciated frat-fest. The Pit is in danger of losing their beloved college stomping ground if they don’t raise enough money to cover their campus damage bill. So they steal the liquor load from the college’s bicentennial ball, knock down a few kegs and convince George Clinton to play at their party for free. It’s a little far fetched, we’ll grant you that. But if you had a chance to go to this party, you’d buy the ticket and take the ride too.
4. The KY Jelly wrestling party from Old School
A movie like Old School was bound to have more parties than Tulane at Mardi Gras, but this one beats out all others because there’s large breasted topless women wrestling in sexual lubricant. We stopped paying attention to what were writing after that sentence.
3. The party from Bachelor Party
Tom Hanks is about to get married and his friends want to send him off in style and if by style, you mean with a criminal records and more health code hotel violations on his record than the last Sex Pistols tour. This party has it all: strippers, booze, drugs, trannies, a coked up donkey and Tom Fucking Hanks. I’m sure Rita gets naked after she’s had a few.
2. The party from Cheerleader Beach Party
There’s a beach with cheerleaders on it and there’s a party. If I have to explain beyond that, you’re gay and possibly an alien.
1. The toga party from Animal House
This is the party by which all other parties are measured. It’s got everything a great party should have: music, broads, booze and a theme. Yes, all parties should have a theme whether it’s a western motif, a carnivale theme or a drink until you can’t walk and then drink until you can’t crawl anymore milieu. If girls didn’t mind a toga made from Star Wars bedsheets, we’d be boogying down to “Shout” right along with them.