This weekend, our beloved managing editor Dr. Cole Abaius is taking one giant leap that many of us Rejects have never taken before: he’s getting married. You may have intuited that something was going on, seeing as he’s been absent from the site all week long. This is part of his limited allowance of vacation days being spent in preparation for the big day (he has to get his hair just right.) So as we send him off away from the world of bachelorhood and into the world of captivity, we thought it might be nice to congratulate him the only way we know how — with a list. It’s led us here, to a list of places he should not take his lovely bride-to-be on their honeymoon. Not just because we need him to get back to work as soon as possible, but because some honeymoon spots can only end in disaster. So congratulations Cole on your big day. Enjoy yourself, and remember to make her call you Rob on your wedding night.
Now on to our list of places that you probably shouldn’t take her for your honeymoon…
Kazakhstan (as seen in Borat)
This should be self-explanatory. According to what we saw in Borat, which will serve forever as the film of record on Kazakhstan, it’s a dirty, smelly country with not a lot to do besides play hide the weasel with the town rapist. Meaning that once you leave your hotel room (on day three, of course) there won’t be much to do.
Cabin in the Woods (as seen in Antichrist, The Evil Dead)
Weddings can be hectic. Plenty of family, friends, noise and questions about when you will be conceiving your first child (and why you refuse to name it after your favorite boss — Neil is a strong name.) Sometimes a quiet retreat is just what the doctor ordered. You just might want to avoid cabins surrounded by talking animals, reigning chaos and rape-happy trees. Being sucked into alternate dimensions and/or finding out that women are the personification of pure evil would be total downers after your happy day. Also, now that you’re married you’ll finally be able to use your balls — best not to get them all smashed up.
Serbia (as seen in A Serbian Film)
Many a happy marriage has existed in the world of swinging and adult films. As in, if you are so inclined it is possible to make it work and bring other people into the bedroom. We wouldn’t recommend this right away, of course, but seeing as Dr. Abaius has always claimed to be a “Doctor of Sexual Adventure” (among other things), we thought we’d say that it’s okay to do after a while. Just don’t go to Serbia to do it — you may not only be bringing other people into your bedroom, but animals, contraptions and possibly small children. None of that is okay, for the record.
Hawaii, Australia or any other Island (as seen in A Perfect Getaway, Lost)
Plenty of couples like to get out there and see nature’s beauty. Dr. Abaius and bride are no different. However, we should warn them that their sense of adventure should be tempered if they run into sexy backpackers that look like Steve Zahn and that model-actress from the Resident Evil movies. Nothing good can come from hanging around attractive people stomping through the jungle. Also, we wouldn’t recommend flying over the ocean — planes go down and all of the sudden you’re doing the time warp. This falls under the “get back to work” soon clause for your honeymoon, Abaius.
Middle of the Nevada Desert (as seen in Dark Country)
Vegas, baby! As we continue to rule out any place that’s tropical or wooded, Vegas seems to be a good choice. It’s in the middle of the desert, there aren’t any rape-trees and you can spend time away from the bedroom getting used to all of the gambling and Celine Dion cocktail hour shows that will populate your twilight years. Just don’t drive home through the desert. As Thomas Jane and Lauren German found out in Dark Country, you’re always just one dead body and a visit from Ron Perlman away from your entire trip going down in flames.
A Haunted Mansion (as seen in Haunted Honeymoon)
We know for a fact that Cole and his bride are fans of the scary stuff. Heck, they even worked as haunted house performers this year at a local scare-factory. It was quality undead bonding time, I’m told. And while that was fun, it was all safe (and more importantly, not real). As this 1986 Gene Wilder and Gilda Radner-led comedy showed us, we don’t want it to get real. It will be terribly unfunny. If the ghost of Dom DeLuise shows up, run… Strike that, if the ghost of Dom DeLuise shows up, call us. We want to party with that dude.
Backpacking through Europe (as seen in Hostel, The Human Centipede)
Seeing as we’ve ruled out islands, woodland adventures and most of Eastern Europe, you may be thinking that your spirit of adventure could lead you through the old country. Plenty of heritage lies across Europe and if you do it right, it’s pretty cheap. That is if you don’t stop at a hostel with a killing room or get picked up by a mad German scientist who wants to sew your new bride’s lips to your naughtiest of naughty spots. We’re sure that you’ll do all kinds of kinky stuff now that you’re done “saving yourself,” we just don’t want becoming a single-digestive track with your bride to be one of them.
Boating down a river in the backwoods of Georgia (as seen in Deliverance)
As anyone who’s spent a night with Cole knows the man is an avowed fan of “watersports.” That’s unrelated to boating but it had to be said. The most beautiful places in this great country of ours are the ones found in nature, and few things are as enjoyable as a trip down a lazy river punctuated with rapids, animal sightings, and boat head. But location is important. You want somewhere far enough away from civilization but not too far from people who read and brush their teeth. Because bad things can happen to educated people like Cole and his bride when they come face to face with misguided Southern hospitality. By the time the ominous banjo sounds reach their ears it may already be too late.
Spending the night at a cozy little motel (as seen in Psycho)
The best honeymoons invariably involve two things. Unfortunately this is a family-friendly site, so I’m not allowed to discuss either one of them. So instead let’s talk about honeymoon road trips! Much like life itself, a honeymoon should be about the journey and not necessarily the destination, but you can only drive for so long powered by wedding bliss and Four Loko before you need to stop for the night. When that time comes be sure not to pick a motel managed by a creepy mama’s boy of a man with a penchant for dresses, wigs, and chocolate syrup.
Any town with a Hardware Store (as seen in So I Married an Axe Murderer)
She may seem sweet now, Cole, but you never know if she’s marrying you only to then cut you up into pieces with a tool usually reserved for chopping wood. She might turn out to be a permanent resident Crazy Town. Just don’t ignore the signs, is all we can say. And/or don’t let her near a Home Depot.
Come to think of it, that last one pretty much eliminates most towns inside the United States. It’s as if we successfully eliminated just about any decent honeymoon spot for Dr. Abaius and his lady-to-be. We didn’t mean to do this, we’ve just seen what evil can lurk just beyond the alter, and we don’t want to see the young lovers get hurt. So here’s a proposition: instead of a honeymoon, why don’t you just come back to work right away? Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Special thanks to Kevin Carr, Landon Palmer, Rob Hunter, Robert Fure, Luke Mullen and Adam Charles for contributing to this list. We are all very proud of Cole, and we wish him and his bride all the best.