Forget the Zohan! There are so many other badasses in movies that you don’t mess with. With the Zohan, the worst thing that can happen is you’ll get squeezed between his unnaturally hard butt cheeks. With these other characters, you risk death… or worse.
Here’s the Fat Guys’ list of movie characters you don’t mess with. Of course, to make the list, they had to have shown up on the big screen relatively recently. ‘Cause back in the day, you don’t mess with Bogey… but you can mess with his corpse, no problem.
10. Martin Riggs – The Lethal Weapon series
Okay, so we’ll admit that Martin Riggs isn’t exactly a current movie character, but Mel Gibson sure as hell is. At first, we thought that the suicidal Riggs was the worst loose cannon possible. Then we saw Mel Gibson’s photo from the set of Apocalypto… and that little DUI incident as well.
9. Hellboy – The Hellboy series
Just one look at this guy, and you know that you don’t mess with him. He’s part Satan, after all. And that makes him even worse than Dane Cook… well, sort of.
8. John Rambo – The Rambo series
I don’t care how old this guy is, he is still someone you don’t mess with. The fact that he doesn’t speak very well makes him scarier. After all, who needs to speak when you can rip someone’s throat out with your bare hand?
7. Frank Powell – Hot Rod
Anyone who has seen Deadwood knows that Ian McShane is one of the baddest badasses on the planet. And he plays an ass-kicking snow leopard in Kung Fu Panda. But it’s McShane’s badassness as the ultimate step dad in Hot Rod that scares us the most.
6. Cherry Darling – Planet Terror
I don’t care if she has a machine gun for her leg. I’d still pay $20 a lap dance, but I wouldn’t mess with her (unless she asked me to). This stripper-turned-alien-asskicker is sexy and deadly, a combination we can’t resist.
5. John McClane – The Die Hard series
Back in the mid-1980s, Bruce Willis revitalized the image of the everyman as an action hero. Now he’s grown larger than life, and it’s still fun. Yes, Mary Elizabeth Winstead is hot, but I still don’t think I’d ask out John McClane’s daughter.
4. Indiana Jones – The Indiana Jones series
Earlier this year, people were debating whether Harrison Ford could pull off a geriatric Indiana Jones. For the most part, he did. This is a guy who can enter a deadly situation with just a pistol and a bullwhip, and he makes it out alive.
3. Lady Terminator – Lady Terminator
We know this movie came out in the late 1980s, in Indonesia, no less. But the Fat Guys caught it for the first time at an all-night movie marathon just a few months ago. That makes this possessed anthropologist with a vagina snake in her coochie ripe for the list.
2. James Bond – The James Bond series
Let’s set aside all of the debates about who made the best Bond. You have to admit that the character is someone you just don’t mess with. Personally, though, we’re scared the most of Sean Connery and Daniel Craig as Bond. (The 98-year-old Roger Moore in A View to a Kill is one we just might mess with.)
1. The Joker – The Dark Knight
We don’t care if you loved Cesar Romero from the 60s television show. And we don’t care if you thought Jack Nicholson was perfect for the role. Heath Ledger has managed to creep us all out to no end… and that’s just from the trailers and leaked photos online. You don’t mess with The Joker. Period.
HONORABLE MENTION: Harry Callahan – The Dirty Harry series
Okay, we know this is another guy who hasn’t been in movies for a while. And, there’s that whole Bridges of Madison County wuss-fest he did. But with the release of the Dirty Harry box set of films on DVD and BluRay, how can you dare mess with Dirty Harry.
Sound off: What character from the movies don’t you mess with?