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7 Days of 007: Ten Actors Who Should Never Play Bond

Ten Actors Who Should Never Play Bond

Editor’s Note: In honor of our 7 Days of 007 feature we have going on this week, we have decided to republish Jorge Sosa’s excellent Bond-related of the Ten Actors Who Should Never Play Bond, originally published on September 18, 2007.

After two solid years of great news from the James Bond camp, there are rumors that they’re ready to start watering down the franchise again.

According to JoBlo Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe is being considered to “portray famed spy James Bond in his formative years, based on a series of YOUNG BOND books by Charlie Higson.”

Hmm.

On that note, here’s my personal Top Ten list of actors who should never, ever, play James Bond.

10. Daniel Radcliffe

How in God’s name are we to believe that Daniel Radcliffe will someday grow up to be Daniel Craig? Does this mean we can expect to see some full-contact Quiddich in the next Bond flick? Fuck that! I’d rather eat a bagful of snot-flavored jellybeans.

9. Gilbert Gottfried

Imagine Gottfried delivering this line: “I SAID SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?”

8. Diddy aka P. Diddy aka Puff Daddy

Yes, I believe last year Diddy was saying the world was ready for a black Bond and, naturally, he should be that Bond. While I find the idea of a non-Caucasian Bond intriguing, there’s always the risk that Diddy might try to do the theme song as well. No, thanks!

7. Roger Moore

D’OH!

6. Hugo Weaving

Not that Weaving doesn’t have the chops, class and charisma, but he really ought to play a Bond villain instead. “Misssster Bond!”

5. John Travolta

Now that I’ve seen him in drag, I cannot unsee him in drag. Hey maybe he could play a really homely Bond girl!

4. Orlando Bloom

What kind of a pansy-ass fuckin’ name is that? No wonder he always plays second fiddle to the REAL men.

3. Sacha Baron Cohen

That’s just what we need. Bond wrestling in all his naked, hairy-backed glory with the bad guys.

2. Mel Gibson

He’d be like, “Wow! Change SPECTRE to JEWS and this screenplay reads like a fuckin’ documentary!”

1. Cate Blanchett

I think she can pull off playing Bob Dylan. She kind of bears a passing resemblance and she can tape her boobs down. But, once she gets to running, jumping and fighting, those girls are gonna be floppin’ around all over the place. Her juggs, my friends, will be blowin’ the wind.

J.L. Sosa is a freelance writer, photographer and horror filmmaker. He's burdened with an irrational fear of spiders and clowns. He loves (in descending order of magnitude) his girlfriend, his pets and spinach.

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