Every Wednesday, Kevin Carr vents on what Hollywood shenanigans are boggling his mind that week in a feature we call WTF. Every Thursday, an FSR staff member refutes him in a feature appropriately named STFU.

If there ever was a need for better science education in this country, now is the time. This week, Kevin railed on the fact that Megan Fox both frightens him and arouses him, two states of being that, oddly enough, produce the same face. Despite every writer and commenter ever calling for a moratorium on mentions of Megan Fox, I feel I have to dip into her yet again for subject matter to expose the plight of our public education.

It might have been the illicit pseudo-relationship she held with a Russian stripper that scared some of our audience, but judging by Kevin’s reaction, it was actually her comment that she found Olivia Wilde so sexually attractive that it made her “want to strangle a mountain ox with [her] bare hands.”

This statement was followed moments later by a public declaration from Harry Knowles of Aint It Cool News claiming that he was, in fact, a mountain ox.

Whether or not the strangulation of a draft animal had any sexual connotation is up for debate, although the answer is yes, as everything Megan Fox says has a sexual connotation. Unfortunately, here’s where a disgusting double standard comes into play:

Earlier on in the week, famed author (who may or may not exist) Chuck Palahniuk claimed that he’d copulate with a giant panda if need be. Sam Rockwell opted for love-making with a goat. Two men, expressing comfortably their preference of beast in the bedroom, and no one batted an eyelash. Now, Megan Fox, a woman, speaks openly about her sado-masochistic needs, and the press jumps all over it. Kevin goes as far as to claim she’s replaced Angelina Jolie as the freakiest hottie.

First of all, Ms. Fox seems like a decent young lady. She has a tattoo of a line from King Lear. That’s Shakespeare, friends. It screams class. Where’s your tattoo from again, Kevin? Isn’t it a section of the Arby’s Menu?

Secondly, it’s well-cited that Ms. Fox is actually the granddaughter of Emily Post, famed writer on etiquette, and, when she’s not gripping the life out of cattle, Megan is the writer behind such pseudonyms as Miss Manners, Peggy Noonan and Andrew Sullivan. Her opinions on eating out properly (with special attention to crystal stemware) and foreign policy are world-renowned. Her stint into acting is just a foray in expressing her very normal, very healthy, very natural sexual side.

Thirdly, she can’t be as freaky as Angelina Jolie because she hasn’t made out with own brother. That we know of.

What we should be more frightened by is the fact that – wait for it – there is no such animal as a mountain ox. That’s right. While reporters everywhere were asking if you can actually strangle a mountain ox, no one thought to ask if they exist or whether Ms. Fox knew that they didn’t.

Which proves, in a roundabout way, that our science education in this country is abysmal. Either that, or it proves that we won’t fact-check a gorgeous-looking woman who makes a claim about the intensity of her sexual arousal at the thought of another gorgeous-looking woman, likening its strength to that of violent death for giant, domesticated ungulates. Or when she claims she’s against earmarks.

I’ll state here and now that a beastiality trend is sweeping the nation. First beloved actor Sam Rockwell, then famed author Chuck Palahniuk and now our sweet, lovely Megan Fox. Hell, we all know Kevin Smith has had his fingers crossed for this for years. But we can’t have a double standard. We can’t applaud men for speaking out and then find women “weird” or “freaky.” So shame on you, Kevin Carr, and shame on all of us for continuing to give Ms. Fox publicity. Perhaps the lesson in this for all of us is to Shut the Freak Up.


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