We were supposed to run this feature yesterday, but in the true nature of channeling the federal government, it’s getting published late and coming in at $3 billion over budget. But spending that extra $3 billion taught us something: apparently, there’s some sort of election going on.
So, Film School Rejects decided that with the Veepstakes heating up and talk being thrown around of random congresspersons from Texas and unknown governors from Louisiana being picked for the #2 spot, we’d throw our own suggestions into the ring. And who better to place on the ballot than fictional characters who could never, ever actually be elected Vice President?
Barack Obama Picks
Detective James ‘Sonny’ Crockett
As a Democrat, Obama appears soft – he’s pro-love and anti-war – so he needs some toughness to round out the ticket. Known mostly as a TV character, this may be a bit of a stretch, but thanks to Michael Mann’s lackluster, big screen version of Miami Vice, he can also be classified as a movie character. Not only is he a committed Miami detective, but also served two tours in Vietnam, lending veteran credibility to the ticket.
- Takes a strong stance against drugs
- Can help guarantee Florida, a swing state
- Has killed people
- Sense of fashion is not ideal for DC
A major concern about Obama is his lack of experience. He needs a running mate who brings that to the table, and Mr. Calrissian brings it in droves. He’s the former Administrator of Cloud City and General in the Rebel Alliance. He also served as Adminstrator of the Nkllon Mining Operation.
- High profile political administrative experience
- Military experience
- Has been known to sell out his friends
- Possible gambling addiction
Kermit The Frog
Building on Obama’s strengths, the always optimistic frog from a middle- class urban area is a familiar face to Americans. Plus, his appearance with other Sesame Street pals in Follow That Bird – with its Communitarian overtones – proves he’s a Democrat. Not to mention the fact that he’s Green.
- Liked by most Americans from all classes, genders and races
- Secures crucial Giant-Bird voting bloc
- Turns blind eye to obvious homeless problem in own neighborhood
- He is, like most politicians, just a puppet
America has an energy problem. So does Barack Obama. An old-fashioned business man determined to succeed, along with his own successful oil sites, Plainview has many contacts in the oil industry. He could help make America energy independent, and draws even more Republicans who are wary of McCain into the Obama camp.
- Successful businessman
- Contacts in the oil industry
- Has killed people
- Ending every speech with, “I drink your milkshake!” may get old
Almost an exact replica of Obama from the South, Finch is an ethical lawyer and local politician. He is hard-working and an all-around upright citizen that would add prestige to the campaign and help secure a typically-Republican-leaning South for the Democrat.
- Political and judicial experience
- Held in high regard as honest, fair and ethical
- Employs an African American house servant
John McCain Picks
John McCain wants to go to war for one-hundred years with every country ever. Obviously, this stance has lost him some fans in voting blocs that are completely tired of being at war in the first place. Wooderson would balance the ticket effectively. After all, all he wants to do is smoke weed on the football field and hit on incoming Freshman.
- Softens Hawkish appearance
- Provides much-needed Cool Factor
- Ties with NORML may upset the base
- Statutory Rapist
McCain is 117 years old. Because of this, most voters have trouble relating to him, and he has trouble locating the internet. Curly Top would bring a face of youth to the campaign trail and make the average age of the ticket an acceptable 62.
- Brings in the Facebook vote
- Not Constitutionally old enough to run
- Singing of “Animal Crackers in My Soup” not a viable debate strategy
Billy Patrick Kopecky
After repeatedly referring to the Czech Republic as Czechoslovakia (a country that doesn’t exist anymore), McCain has lost ground with a giant voting bloc of Czech-Americans. In order to makes amends, he’ll need to bring in perhaps the only Czech movie character ever, Billy Patrick Kopecky, the red-haired best friend from Big. Luckily, he’ll also bring the youth vote to the campaign.
- Erases costly “Czechoslovakia” gaffe
- Leadership experience as JV Basketball equipment manager
- Too obscure to find good photos of him on internet
- Not allowed to go to big city without chaperone
Harvey “Two Face” Dent
Despite best intentions, McCain is too liberal to attract Republicans and too conservative to attract Democrats. His Maverick status has made him popular to centrist-Republicans and independents, but he’s struggling with the base. By adding Two Face to the ticket, McCain can let someone else’s split-personality deal with independents while he shifts further to the right.
- Incredible political prowess
- Beloved as a known flip-flopper
- Homicidal Tendencies
Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell
Speaking of Maverick status, why not bring Maverick himself on board? He adds to McCain’s likability as a veteran and bolsters his numbers as a strong possible commander-in-chief. Plus, with two pilots, the campaign commercials almost write themselves.
- Strengthens already solid pro-military base
- Draws in the Over-35 Female voting bloc
- Would spend more time on beach volleyball court than campaign trail
Make Your Vote Count
We hear there’s a lot riding on this year’s Presidential election. After having the same President for the past ten or eleven years, it’s important that we pick wisely as a nation. Thus, it’s even more important that each candidate pick wisely when it comes to the Veepstakes to trick us into voting for them. No suggestion we’ve offered is without its flaws, but it wouldn’t be a Democracy without compromise. Just remember to give credit to Film School Rejects when the Obama/Calrissian ticket wins in November.
(Editor’s Note: This list was loving compiled by FSR Staff Members David Hartman and Cole Abaius. The funny sections courtesy of David Hartman.)