Today People Magazine unveiled their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” winner, crushing the hopes and dreams of thousands of starving beautiful men who thought, maybe just this once, they could have been a contender (better luck next year boys). While Bradley Cooper is a tasty, if not boring, morsel of man, as far as I know he has yet to perform in a movie sex scene. Making him completely of no interest to me in regards to this column. Please correct me if I’m wrong in the comments, as I will for sure need to brush up on my Bradley Cooper sexy-time if it does exist.

But enough about my personal disappointment in People Magazine’s cornering of the Sexiest Man Alive market, for today is also the day before the night before the opening of the fourth movie in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn: Part I. Now this little tween fantasy is definitely of interest to me for more than its loose definition of what constitutes child pornography. I have (like almost all women in need of a good train wreck) annually paid good money to the Summit gods for the Twilight experience, and this Friday will be no different.

Fans of the sparkly vampire series have (im)patiently waited through the first three films for two Breaking Dawn scenes, one completely contingent on the other. If the press tour mumblings of the film’s stars are anything to believe, Twi-hards should already prepare themselves for some hot and heavy action during Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward’s (Robert Pattinson) beach honeymoon scene. Oh, you know, just a tender moment between two pretty kids getting it on, breaking a bed, murdering mounds of pillows, and cooking up a half-human, half-vampire, all-ridiculously-named baby. Because that’s how sparkly vampires be. I don’t think it’s too soon to say all ridiculous one more time, for good measure.

I, a lady in my mid-twenties, have no shame admitting I cannot wait to watch this insanity unfold this evening at the sneak peek screening. However I am fairly positive I will spend the majority of the moments leading up to the, quote unquote, too-hot-to-handle-THRUSTING scene giggling into my contraband water bottle full of chardonnay, since bad sex scenes are more memorable than the good ones. Sex scenes that take themselves too seriously, are too emotionally or physically intense, or are just plain “normal” all take away from the sexy factory of a film. An idea may start off sexy, but it doesn’t really matter if the scene’s execution is uncomfortably memorable.

Knocked Up

Knocked Up features one of those sex scenes too real to be sexy. Unless you are interested in schlubby, klutzy love-making (anyone?), this scene is equal parts funny and awkward. Who of us hasn’t had a moment like the one going down between the pretty, bossy Allison (Katherine Heigl) and the curly-haired, sarcastic, clearly-thinks-he’s-dreaming Ben (Seth Rogen)?

Joke’s on both of them, since Ben’s lack of condom prowess directly results in them becoming parents. Thank God Allison’s producing job at E! offers her health insurance. Heaven forbid the movie be too real.

Last Tango In Paris

Just watch the clip first. Okay, done? Yes, that is a bloaty Marlon Brando fingering a stick of butter to use as lube in his mistress’ no-no-special place. Rightfully so the lady is screaming her guts out. That cannot be fun, especially when you came over thinking this was the right moment to, once and for all, break off this series of bad decisions. Alas, she just didn’t have a chance when Brando and his love of butter lube got involved. Do yourself a favor and watch some of the YouTube parodies of this scene as a palate cleanser.

Straw Dogs (1971)

As you can see in the rape-fantasy scene‘s (very literal use of the phrase here) unwilling participant Amy Sumner (Susan George) first tries to fight off her ex-boyfriend/soon-to-be rapist Charlie (Del Henney) then quickly “dead-eyes” and starts to imagine her husband, David (Dustin Hoffman), in his place. In typical New Hollywood style, the grotesque moment is shot mindfully and with such an artistic edge it’s hard at first to realize the rape going on. The camera cuts between three shots, a close up of Charlie, one of Amy, and a wide shot of his violation, while interspersing dream images before he finally penetrates his victim. It’s all very artsy and edgy, but come on. Rape is never sexy, no matter how pretty the scene may be. Okay, moving on.

Dead Girl

Speaking of extra holes…wait, we weren’t speaking of holes? Well, that’s a shame really because Dead Girl is about sharing all the decaying zombie sex slave holes one can imagine. Unfortunately, the clip here is just as unsafe for work as the others. Obviously if this were real life, we would probably consider calling the cops rather than bad-touching said hostage. But, this is Movieland and in Movieland teen boys sex up a snapping, zombie lady until they tear her skin and just see that torn skin as another place to insert their boyparts.

I’ve always said avoid the mouth when forcefully inserting oneself, and later in the film my advice is proven wise.

Requiem For A Dream

Darren Aronofsky’s 2000 masterpiece Requiem for a Dream follows four drug addicts as they spiral out of control. In this final scene the once beautiful, recreational (!) heroin user Marion (Jennifer Connelly) agrees to do whatever she can to get her fix, going as far as to perform rough lesbian sex in a room full of sweaty, bawdry men in exchange for drugs. Intercut between images of her ex-fiancé’s overdose, his mother’s electroshock treatment, and their friend’s own battle with the drug, Marion’s desperate descent is one of the most memorable unsexy sex scenes ever committed to film in the past decade. It is sad more than it is sensual, a terrifying portrayal of sex as power.

Wash your hands, head to the fridge for some butter and read more Reel Sex


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