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Our Submission to Score a Threesome with Scarlett Johansson

By now, you’ve all heard about the tastefully tacky advertising campaign being run over at scarlettjohansson.com that promises fans a one-in-infinity chance of scoring a hot, totally platonic, not-at-all-an-actual-sexual-threesome with the lovely actress. It seems that the marketing wizards realized that a hot threeway is the only selling point for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and decided to go to town on it, despite the fact that, we hear, there may be no threesome in the actual film.

Nevertheless, Cole Abaius and Robert Fure have taken it upon themselves to enter the contest under the Film School Rejects banner, but they need a little help from you. We can’t decide which submission is better, so we’re looking for some feedback.

We won’t bias you by labeling whose is whose, but you can probably crack the code.

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Possible Submission One

Dear Ms. Johansson,

By now you and your team of underfed interns have sifted through the slushpile of geeky morons professing their undying love to you. You sit, yawning in the corner of the room as some poor sap spills his heart onto the page, and you barely notice the bloodloss. You’re ready for a real man. Well, that’s unfortunate for you, because, surprise, you’re getting two.

I’ll assume we need no introduction. By all likelihood, you’re already well acquainted with our faces, our hilarious writings on a semi-popular internet movie site, you’ve heard of our world famous Chicken Parmesan recipe and long to hear the sweet, sweet sound of our voices saying your name in person. You’ve been waiting for us as long as we’ve been waiting for the 1 in 100,000 (wink) chance to head to the movies with you.

Yes, we noticed the fine print.

So we sat down and created a single-spaced, one-inch margined list of all our talents and skills with which to catch your eye. Around page 34, when Fure added “Able to bench press 300lbs continually for 18 hours,” we started to notice a pattern. By the time I added “Can build steamship with bare hands” on page 65, we realized something:

You should be the one entering a contest to win a date with us.

That’s right. For one, because we’re men of such caliber, it feels so unfair to every other person out there that we’d feel guilty for dashing their sad little hopes by entering. For two, sitting in a dark room with you sounds great, but all you actually have to do is sit, watch your movie, and shake someone’s hand when the credits roll. Is that really how you’ll want the evening to end after you finally get to meet us in person? We thought not.

Scarlett, feast your eyes on this. We tried to break even more Typographical Design rules and make it even more low-rent than your announcement. We’ll be hearing from you:

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Possible Submission Two:

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So tell us which you think is more impressive. Think like Scarlett would. Get in the mindset of the beautiful, star, and dig deep for the right answer. We’ll take your opinions seriously, so be honest. Or not. We’re gonna end up sending in both submissions, anyway.

We’ll tell you how our steamy movie date with Scarlett goes. Don’t wait up.

The FSR Staff is an author similar to Hydra. Its articles have many authors. It has many heads. Please don't cut off any of its heads, we're trying to work here.

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