February 11th

The Eagle

Who did it? Directed by Kevin MacDonald; Written by Jeremy Brock; Starring Channing Tatum and Jamie Bell

What is it? Yet another take on the tale of the Roman legion that disappeared in Northern England… but this time made with a thirst for mediocrity.

Why should we care? Neil Marshall’s Centurion should have probably been the final word on the story of a missing Roman legion and the English barbarians who swallowed them whole, but if that action romp isn’t your speed there’s also Colin Firth’s The Last Legion which touches on some similar elements (albeit with far less CGI bloodletting). So why go watch this new film? Having seen it recently I can’t think of very many reasons…

Watch the trailer:


Gnomeo & Juliet

Who did it? Directed by Kelly Asbury; Written by Kelly Asbury, Mark Burton, Kevin Cecil, Emily Cook, Kathy Greenberg, Andy Riley, Steve Hamilton Shaw, and William Shakespeare; starring the vocal talents of James McAvoy, Emily Blunt and Michael Caine

What is it? An animated re-telling of the Bard’s classic tale which garden gnomes.

Why should we care? I’m really struggling here. It sounds completely schlocky, but maybe it’s heartwarming? On second thought, it should be thrilling to see the gnomes stab each other to death with swords. That’s probably not going to happen, right?

Watch the trailer:


Just Go With It

Who did it? Directed by Dennis Dugan; Written by Timothy Dowling, I.A.L. Diamond; Starring Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker, and Nick Swardson

What is it? A guy who picks up chicks by pretending he’s married needs his best friend to play the role of his wife and begins to realize he may have feelings for her… ohmygod how’s it going to end?!?

Why should we care? I have a hard time finding a reason to care about this one. Sandler gave up trying to actually act or be funny a while ago. Aniston showed fantastic comedic timing on Friends but has yet to choose a role to take advantage of it. And Dugan? Well a quick look at his recent output says it all really… Grown Ups, You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, The Benchwarmers, Saving Silverman, etc.

Watch the trailer:


Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Who did it? Directed by Jon Chu; Written by Fate; Starring Justin Bieber and Boys II Men as Themselves

What is it? A documentary about a little boy who is famous and far wealthier than you are.

Why should we care? Bieber has a wide fanbase that ranges all the way from 12-year-old girls to 13-year-old-girls. Still, it’s the title that’s the hook. Never say never? Hopefully this film will prove that if you’re testicles haven’t descended yet, that if you dream real hard for something, you’ll achieve it by the time your voice starts to crack. In 3D!

Watch the trailer:


Carancho

Who did it? Directed by Pablo Trapero; Written by Alejandro Fadel, Martin Mauregui; Starring Ricardo Darin

What is it? Ricardo Darin plays an utter sleazeball who creates accidents and injuries for a profit… the only question is will Jeff Hall still respect him in the morning?

Why should we care? It’s rare to find a film that dares to feature a truly unlikeable protagonist, but this Argentinian thriller does just that and Darin plays him to perfection. The story revolves around his morally bankrupt ambulance chaser who gets caught up in criminal schemes that result in injury and death. A few of us say this at last year’s Fantastic Fest and found it to be quite good.

Watch the trailer:


Cedar Rapids

Who did it? Directed by Miguel Arteta ; Written by Phil Johnston ; Starring Ed Helms, John C. Reilly and Anne Heche

What is it? A sheltered insurance salesman goes out of town for the first time for a conference and falls under the influence of a detestable party enthusiast and the wiles of sugary alcohol.

Why should we care? It’s about time Ed Helms got a chance to star in a movie, and this comedy looks like the perfect shot for him to make us all laugh. Plus, those laughs should be multiplied by a drunken John C. Reilly wearing a trash can lid. There’s nothing innovative-seeming from the trailer, but it looks like it could be a very funny film, and that’s sometimes all that matters.

Watch the trailer:


Orgasm, Inc

Who did it? Directed by Elizabeth Canner; Starring real people looking to score

What is it? That’s a question better suited for your parents… or you could just ask Cole Abaius as he just recently went searching for the answer too.

Why should we care? We should all care about the female orgasm. The gift of giving one comes more naturally to some of us than to others, but that inability doesn’t make people like Abaius and Robert Fure bad or worthless. It just makes them people in need. This documentary looks at the billion dollar industry trying to help those less fortunate by creating the female Viagra… a pill that will help lead women to the promised land. Of course it wouldn’t be a doc about an American corporation if it didn’t feature corporate greed at the expense of the consumer.

Watch the trailer:


That’s a bit better. See if things keep looking up…


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