We realize that you’re probably sitting at home right now, chewing your own nails off and wondering what movies are coming out this month. Maybe you’re even wondering why no one on the entire internet has said anything about them. Strange, we know.

Fortunately, Rob Hunter and Cole Abaius spent the entire month of January combing through Wikileaks, calling Cleo, and building balsa wood trailers to make sure that you, dear reader, are in the know about what’s coming out in February.

You watch movies, so this guide’s for you.

February 4th

The Roommate

Who did it? Directed by Christian E. Christiansen; Written by Sonny Mallhi; Starring Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet, and Billy Crazy Eyes Zane

What is it? A PG-13 remake of Single White Female… which means no sloppy blowjob followed by a high-heeled shoe murder.

Why should we care? The concept of a wacko glomming onto someone with a violent obsession is pretty well worn territory, so it would take something special for this film to stand apart from the rest. But that “something special” seems entirely absent judging by the trailer. Sure the girls are cute, but this looks to be lightweight thrills for the CW crowd only.

Watch the trailer:


Sanctum

Who did it? Directed by Alister Grierson; Written by John Garvin, Andrew Wight; Starring Richard Roxburgh, Ioan Gruffudd and Alice Parkinson

What is it? People go deep, deep, deep down into a cave only to realize that they aren’t in Abyss.

Why should we care? James Cameron. His name as executive producer has been all over the marketing for this thing – almost as if they don’t trust the movie to sell itself based on its own merits. The trailer sort of confirms that because it looks like a bunch of people yelling at each other inside a cave for two hours. Plot!

Watch the trailer:

The Other Woman

Who did it? Directed and written by Don Roos; Starring Natalie Portman, Lisa Kudrow, and Lauren Ambrose

What is it? A drama about the hardships of being a cheating ho-bag… starring Academy Award nominee Natalie Portman as the ho.

Why should we care? Portman’s presence is clearly the biggest draw for this reportedly humorous drama about a woman forced to move from mistress to mother figure, but there may be a reason this 2009 film has been sitting on the shelf for over a year. The trailer seems harmless enough, but it reminds too much of the abysmal Julia Roberts film Stepmom. The one area of interest aside from Portman may be a curiosity as to how they turn a character who intentionally broke up a marriage into someone the audience can root for and like.

Watch the trailer:

What (Chinese) Women Want

Who did it? Directed and written by Daming Chen; Starring Osric Chau, Li Gong, Kelly Hu, and Andy Lau

What is it? A remake of What Women Want done in Mandarin.

Why should we care? It’s a remake of What Women Want done in Mandarin.

Will there eventually be a good February movie? Continue on to find out…


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