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Movie Style Guy: Super Powers

Will Smith and Charlize Theron in Hancock

In a weekend dominated by Hancock releasing, what better accessory is there than a superpower or three?  If you’re among the lucky, you might even get two or three!  I must warn you though, any of these methods of attaining a super power may end up in your permanent disfigurement, paralysis, or death.

Animal Bite

Preferably a radioactive animal, but if you’re bitten by a spiritual animal you may just gain the powers of that animal.  While the risk factor is high, you may want to consider messing with bears, wolves, and spiders, considering they’re natures badasses.  Though something that can fly is sweet too.

Possible Upside:  Webslinging, sticking to walls, flying
Possible Downside: Rabies, dismemberment

Radioactive Exposure

The more deadly the radiation normally, the better!  Get gamma irradiated for the best results in town!  These powers can be garnered by hanging out near nuclear tests sites, being a mad scientist, or signing up for programs to create super soldiers.

Possible Upside:  Immense strength, mind reading, super intelligence
Possible Downside:  Instantaneous death, mutation, slow and painful death

Chemical Accident

I firmly believe that one day, science will kill us all.  Before that day comes though, scientific accidents involving chemical waste and other harmful substances may just trigger you to become a mastermind, a street level avenger, or some other sort of badass!

Possible Upside:  Heightened agility, heightened senses, super speed
Possible Downside:  Blindness, death

Science!

When not taking out their garbage, you can appeal to science directly to get your powers.  Whether you go the inventor root and build yourself an awesome hero suit or just sign up for the right government test and get injected with a super serum, science is paving the way to our ultimate destruction and salvation at the same time!

Possible Upside:  Heightened physical attributes, artificial flight, artificial strength, sex appeal
Possible Downside:  Painful mutation, death, horrific scientific test gone wrong explosive death

Personal Trajedy

Perhaps the greatest motivator a person can have is losing everything or being responsible for great harm.  It may just motivate you to hone your body into the perfect crime fighting tool or just to load up on guns and ammo and blow away the bad guys, either way, it’s sure to be a long, vengeful road filling up your empty enraged heart.

Possible Upside:  Helping society, great physical shape, being generally awesome
Possible Downside:  Death, jail, mental institution

Be Born Into It

Sorry friend, if you were born normal this isn’t for you.  But if you’ve got a mutated X-gene or are an alien from another planet, or born of ancient gods, you’ve got it made.  But if you don’t got it, you ain’t getting it.  Sorry chum.  Good luck finding an alien power ring, though.

Possible Upside:  Invincibility, flight, super strength, you name it
Possible Downside:  Implausible weakness, persecution, eventual or immediate death

So there you have it, some of the easiest ways to become a super hero.  While implausible, are they necessarily impossible?  …. Probably.  Persuing any of these will likely end in your death, dismemberment, or a few years in jail or a mental institution.  If that’s the case, we’ve never met.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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