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Movie Style Guy: Pineapple Pants Off Dance Off

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Ok so this has little to do with dancing. Also very little to do with taking your pants off. It’s mostly, I would say, about putting your pants on. One leg at a time. Now this weekend is a tough one to find some glimpse of style. Pineapple Express is about stoner dudes. Emulating them stopped being cool, well, forever ago. In real life, no one likes a stoner. As much as people may love James Franco’s character in Express, in real life, you hate that kid because you can tell he smells just by looking at him.

Our other film in wide release is Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Now they have some sort of magical pair of jeans that three four different women can slip into and wear with at least some degree of comfort, which, if you’ve seen a poster, seems implausible. I suppose maybe they could have elastic waist bands – rule number one, don’t have these guys.

So really I was left with choosing either some sort of pants article or some sort of stoner article. I’m leaning towards Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, obviously, but I’m not going to just talk pants. Lets have a dialog here, just me and you. That’s not going to work too well, is it? Forget it. Let’s handle another “don’t.” Don’t dress like a stoner in public. If you’re going to sit at home and do your thing, its fine to wear your Scooby-Doo PJs and a shirt with a stain that could feed a family on it. But once you venture outside of your house, friend, you’re a part of society. Clean it up a touch. Little deodorant, clean shirt, make sure your fly is up. Really, that’s all society asks of you.

Now for pants. What can I say about pants? Like all clothing, find a pair that fits you. If you’re lucky you’ll find some magic traveling pants that fit you and all your friends, but if those are sold out, your jeans should extend past your ankle, not sitting right above it so your sock is visible. Socks are a form of underwear and should remain hidden. Speaking of underwear, your pants should sit no lower than your hips – I don’t care to see your Fruit of the Looms. Virtually no one wears pants at the waist line anymore. The pants should have no more room than, say, two fingers inserted into the waist band. Distressed is still a good look, moving away from a pure denim-blue appearance that’s more at home on the range. With jeans, its fine if not encouraged for your pants cuff to touch the floor and get a little ratty and torn up. Apparently that is stylish. With nicer pants, you want them just a touch shorter – your socks still need to stay hidden but you don’t want to scuff those cuffs.

Join us again next week when I promise it will be much more interesting.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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