Leading a double life, Bruce Wayne has a lot to be worried about – from deranged clowns, wobbly fat men with dangerous umbrellas or just the IRS taking a closer look at his deductions, its hard to play both sides. So how does he do it? Well he follows a few simple, yet clever rules and strives for balance in all things. In fact, having an alter ego is well within all our grasps.
Find The Real You
Before you create a new and different you, you’ve really got to know just who you are. In Bruce’s case, he’s actually the dark and tortured soul seeking vengeance in the night, so really, he is Batman and Bruce Wayne is his alter ego. Now me, deep down inside, I’m a raging ball of hate with the intent on destroying all I see. Knowing this is the secret to moving on.
Dress for Success
Once you’ve discovered who you are, make sure everyone else knows. I prefer dressing myself in sharp bits of metal and broken glass, the better with which to hug the homeless. Batman has opted for the terror in the night look, complete with menacing cowl, black eye paint, and ears that are very devilish in appearance. You lovers out there may want to dress in reds or like giant genitalia. Whatever works for you is key.
Craft Your Alter Ego
Once you know who you are, ask yourself this question – will society accept you? In my case, no, I would be sentenced to jail for my crimes against humanity. Clearly, an alter ego is necessary. Bruce Wayne, if he traveled around just punching people and wearing lots of black, probably would have just gotten detention a lot in high school and gone to “My Chemical Romance” concerts. So, knowing that opposites attract we think of what most misrepresents us. A strict, disciplined avenger would definitely want to come off as a wanton, sloppy billionaire – hence Bruce Wayne as playboy and myself as a Habitat for Humanity volunteer and shelter worker. This allows you to mingle in more circles and let society accept you, all while rubbing shoulders with those you may want to destroy – like criminal masterminds at cocktail parties or the homeless, those begging, thieving bastards.
In appearance, you may want to explore vast differences. Instead of hardened armor and pointy ears, Wayne wears Giorgio Armani Hand Made to Measure suits (in The Dark Knight) while I opt for cotton, the fabric of our lives.
It can be tempting to parade around as one or the other, but spending too much time as either can leave the other to simply disappear. Alfred must constantly remind Bruce Wayne to appear in public and give Batman the night off so one doesn’t become overwhelmed. To successfully manage an alter-ego, you must make sure you always have, at a minimum, two egos. Thankfully, not only do I have two egos, but they’re both rather large.
A Common Thread
Living the dual life can quickly lead to a split personality disorder – we do not want this. That’s not an alter-ego, but rather a separate offshoot that will someday, in a mirror universe, come back to fight you to the death. In managing your secret life, find something that can bridge the distance between the two yous. Bruce Wayne and Batman, while the same person, are very different, but have bridged the gap in a very succinct way – fast cars. Sure, the Batmobile can do 90 and jump rooftops, but the Lamborghini Murcielago LP640, with its 12 cylinder 640 horsepower engine can exceed 211 mph and hit up the drive-thru at Burger King. I know you’re wondering how I link my two identities – porn and verbal sexual harassment. It just lets me remember both sides of the coin when I’m always thinking about porn stars and commenting on the tightness of a coworkers clothing.
Robert Fure is eligible for parole in 6 months, pending a psych evaluation.
What would your alter-ego be and what would he (or she) do?