Editor’s Note: Warning, failure to have a sense of humor may result in your lack of enjoyment of the following article.

Coming to theaters this weekend is the romantic comedy starring, well, everyone, He’s Just Not That Into You, based on the book I didn’t read of the same name.  Most guys haven’t read that book, considering we just weren’t that into reading it.  Apparently it is some sort of deal about feeling better about guys not liking you or a guide book to not being liked by dudes.  Reject Cole Abaius was supposed to submit a book report to me about it (he’s my personal reader and fills in my MadLibs) but he couldn’t stop his girlish weeping long enough to hand write it in glitter pen on my favorite pink parchment.  So I just guessed what it was about and figured I’d help you ladies out by giving you a few hints on how to make us be that into you.

  • Breast Augmentation.  Not only is bigger better, but in the case of a water landing they can be used as a flotation device.
  • Watch Evil Dead II.  Guys hate seeing chick flicks, but if you’re willing to watch Bruce Campbell movies on a weekly basis, you’ll land a sugar daddy in no time.
  • Jump a motorcycle into the Grand Canyon.  No matter what you’ve heard to the contrary, this is the only real way to win a man’s respect.
  • Send Subtle Signals.  Like stroking the stem of your glass, sucking on a cherry stem, or dancing nude for money.  We’re visual learners.
  • Smell Nice.  Most women think a good perfume smells vaguely of flowers or something stupid like that.  Try rubbing a little bacon grease on your neck before going clubbing.
  • Practice Beer Pong (aka Beirut).  Seriously, we are so tired of carrying the team.
  • Wear provocative clothing to work.  Work is boring and we’re tired of playing Solitaire.  And I don’t even mean that as a double entendre.  It’s a single entendre.
  • Never, Ever, Ever Suggest we see The Pink Panther 2. We will break up with you on the spot.  I’ve read that Steve Martin is the second leading cause of domestic abuse, behind Mike Myers movies.

Print this checklist out and put it in your giant knock-off purse.  Pull it out and read it anytime you’re at a loss for how to attract a man.

What are your smoother operator tips for picking up members of the opposite sex?

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