Movie Style Guy: Cloverfield Survival Guide

Hm, that’s probably a poor title, actually, my friend. Because I’m not going to tell you to pack anything useful, no, nothing here that will save your life. Instead, I’ll make sure you’re dressed to fit right in with those swanky New York hipsters and up-and-comers while drinking the night away in a well-furnished top floor apartment.

Now the real trick here is to balance your style with your total douche factor, because let’s face it, your haircut costs more than your taxi driver’s shoes. And on the subject of shoes, let’s consider for a moment that any minute a monster could attack and ravish the city. So I’m going to suggest leaving the dress shoes at home, as well as any heavy boot type shoe. Instead, we’re going to opt for the expensive not-expensive look that is also functional. Converse has enjoyed a popular resurgence these days among the fashion “elite” and if there are no laces, all the better. I’ll go ahead and recommend to you the Jack Purcell Converse tennis shoe. Functional enough for the courts and running the streets covered in debris, you’ll look stylish in navy!

Laying over top of those shoes, since we’re working casual here, is a pair of jeans. I won’t be so bold as to suggest where you purchase them, but I’m going to say avoid Levi’s anything that looks like someone would describe it as “denim.” A nice boot cut leg will be shapely (in a manly way, I swear) and show off the shoes nicely. A lighter colored pair is what I’m envisioning here. Plus 5 points for an all button fly. I feel like Superman every time I whip it out.

To belt it all off, I’m going to suggest brown leather or perhaps a subtle, faded black. Nothing too fancy, but avoid really solid, shiny looking belts. Something that has seen some life and been down around your ankles in a good way. You definitely don’t want any electronics hanging off of it, and a knife, while functional, won’t fit the motif.

Since this is a party, undershirt, obviously, topped off with a long-sleeve button up, top two buttons undone. A nice strong color, like dark blue with some subtle, other shades of blue striping would probably hit the spot. But consider that you will be running for your life in short order, so the fabric must breathe and fit well. Over this, of course, a blazer. Now, make sure to match up with your belt here. Dark blazers and shirts may contrast too much with your brown belt, if thats what you chose. But a simple, solid blazer, or one with light striping is great. Gray is always a solid choice. In a pinch, we’ll use this to cover the bare shoulders of our endangered beauties as the beast hovers overhead – plus, its chilly outside. If you really want to up your douche factor, slip on a hoodie beneath your blazer.

As for facial hair, the answer is obviously a mustache. Although if you’re not confident enough to rock a stache, a day or twos worth of stubble is the fashion. You don’t want to look too put together while jamming into an evacuation helicopter, afterall! For the hair, since we’re going to be doing a lot of running, a light holding surf wax will do nicely, nothing too thick. Just muss it in there, you aren’t trying to look that good, just like, you know, really good but like not trying. You know.

Now, as for accessories, of course, grab your cellphone that won’t work. If you’re truly a smooth operator, get some GPS enabled features for added survivability! Got GoogleMaps? Great! Now, you’ll want to travel with cash for when the power goes down, so secure that with a silver, engraved money-clip. No question. Blackberry? Optional. Watch? Required. You’ve got to be at the evacuation point by 0600 baby, and don’t forget to subtract 12 from any number over 12 to find your time! Oh, and polish up those Aviator sunglasses, or if you really want to ride the next wave of cool, bust out the classic pair of Wayfarers you’ve got hidden away. Nice.

Of course, if you really want to survive this, you should opt for sneakers, jeans, t-shirt, jacket, cell phone, money, lighter, water, snacks, and a gun. But who wants to carry all that and look like a total dork?

Until next time, I’m your Movie Style Guy, and I swear I’m not as douchey as I seem.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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