Step One – Have a 12 inch wang. Still with me? Didn’t think so. So obviously this is not a real guide to becoming a porn star – you’re either born with the right equipment or you’re not. Sure, some average joes might slip in there (heh), but mostly if you’re a dude and you want in, too bad. Ladies on the other hand, shoot me an email. We’ll talk.

But just because you’re not packing porn start privates doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with the idea, especially this Halloween. It’s the perfect time to explore the fashion of the porn world. Fashion, you’re asking, do you mean “Just be naked?” Well, unless you’re in West Hollywood, that’s not going to fly, so no. But Retro-Porn Star outfits? Yes please. You could go with the classic look, which I’m pretty sure is just a white T-shirt and a mustache, a la Ron Jeremy, but if you’re feeling a bit more excited (heh), then hit a thrift store and gear up.

The Crotch

Listen, if you’re going to even attempt to pull of a porn star outfit, you’ve got to be in love with your own crotch. Probably some other crotches too, but that’s all on you, babe. Now, as a sex entertainer, your resume is always with you, tucked safely, but readily available, behind a zipper – no underwear. That being said, you still want to draw as much attention to the area as possible by wearing a large belt buckle and constantly grabbing at your junk. Add a few rings to your fingers, because flashy things draw attention too!

The Look

The look is retro, vintage-assbag. Play it up. You’re sleazy. Wife-beater undershirt? Ha, more like the only thing you need to wear on your torso! But if you’re going out, something colorful, flashy, unbuttoned. Wear jewelry. Have messy hair and stubble. Smoke. Wear pants that would embarrass you. Rock some square toed dress shoes. Take it to the max. The scumball sky is the limit here! You don’t want to look too well groomed – after all, your clothes are merely seconds away from being ripped off. People think porn stars are dirty and untrustworthy – dress like it.

The Attitude

If you’re a porn star, or porn producer, or anyone involved in porn, people are going to think you’re a douchebag. Why? Simple. They are jealous. Porn people, even if they’re not good looking, are probably rich and are getting paid to have sex with beautiful people. So look the part. Be the douche. Act the douche!

Take something ordinary and elevate to the highest levels of baggery. You probably have noticed by now I’m basing this all off my favorite porn producer – Kelly, from The Girl Next Door, played by Timothy Olyphant. After watching this movie, you couldn’t help but tug at your junk and point at things with two fingers.

Find your own two-finger point, or just steal his. That’s that every day thing that can set you apart. The way you point, make it unique. The drink you order, the way you drink it, make it as sleazy as possible. Play it up. The key? Confidence. When you slip on that leopard print silk shirt, or the retro leather jacket, you’re putting on a suit of costumed armor – no one is judging you, they’re judging your porn character. And porn characters have no shame, so neither should you. Embrace it. Relish it. The guy dressed like a Ghostbuster, when he grabs his junk, its just kind of creepy. But you, you’re just playing the part. Reach out and do a little grab-ass, it’s all you. Make any move with confidence and people will respect it.*

*Editors Note: This may get you arrested.

The Name

No porn star is complete with a sexually charged name. Think of powerful and phallic objects and strong terms that imply speed, stamina or strength. Or pick obviously sexual terms. Thrust Speedjerk. Hank Grabass. Richard Turbodick. The more ridiculous the better.

So whether you decide to just always be a porn-styled douche or are picking it up for Halloween, either way, just own it.

Yours,

Robert “Rocket Thrustcock” Fure


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