Salutations from the seedy underworld of merch collecting, where myths are debunked, the fabrics of the finest secrets unfurled for discerning eyes, and the most glorious curios from lands far and exotic are offered as sacrifices to the Rejects’ lascivious hareem of readers.
Well, not really, but that opening was far more poetic and sexy than the truth that I’m a slightly sad obsessive sitting in a Ghostbusters T-shirt and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajama pants trying to convince other grown adults to buy what essentially amount to toys…
Anyway, as film nerds (those of us who accept and embrace the term), we live in a world whose chief currency is fantasy, so this week’s offerings to the Merch Hunter Tomb of Essentials are each taken from a franchise that has made an unquantifiably massive impact on escapist cinema-lovers like myself.
Read on, shell out and embrace the inner merch-nerd…
1. Death Eater Mask Collection
With Harry Potter now gone for good now, apart from when they remake the whole series in about 18 months and JK Rowling eventually pulls a George Lucas and makes an inferior prequel series (seriously though, how good would The Young Adventures of Voldemort be?!), the opportunity for new merch items is likely to dramatically drop away. So I’m going to pounce on every one possible release like the excitable man-child that I am.
And when the offerings are as wonderful as this Death Eater Mask Collection from Barnes & Noble – available at a paltry $94.95 – that decision is all the more easy to make. The masks each measure about 3 inches and are embarrassingly detailed to the extent that they are also incredibly creepy.
Be warned however, put this collection on your wall and you’re likely to be accused or at least suspected of murky, Eyes Wide Shut style shenanigans with a small army of midgets. Think on it.
3. Sloth Mask
Clearly today is a good day for masks, but there is absolutely no way I could have ignored this as both a child of the 80s and one of those hugely annoying people who thinks nothing of bellowing out poorly-formed “impressions” in public.
And since The Goonies already fulfilled my every need in those two areas, it was with great excitement that I discovered this beautiful freak of a mask (priced at $59.99). It also says “one size fits most” on the product description, but seriously, if your head fits in this monstrosity, you should probably go and see a specialist of some sort.
Pick one up here. Baby Ruth bars not included.
2. New Zealand’s Star Wars Coins
Seriously, there hasn’t been anything in the past year as exciting as the news that the New Zealand mint are launching a collection of Star Wars silver-plated coins in November in order to aid the flagging economy of Polynesian island Niue. There are currently two four-coin sets and a collection of ten single base metal coins set for release, and they’re likely to attract an insane amount of interest thanks to ridiculously high-end design and the incredible marriage of shininess and Star Wars appeal.
It is definitely the four-coin sets, which weigh in at $469 each that are the biggest draw here: the first is a Darth Vadar helmet containing four iconic images from the Dark Side – Darth himself, the Emperor, the Death Star and a Storm Trooper- and the second, even more impressive looking set is housed within a Millennium Falcon outer casing, and includes four Rebel partnerships in the shape of Luke and Leia, Obi-Wan and Yoda, C3PO and R2D2, and Han and Chewie.
Even better, each set features a sound effect, with the Darth helmet boasting a symphony of the infamous Sith’s breathing on opening, and the Millennium Falcon opening to the sound of the ship’s iconic “jump to light speed” effect.
Each coin is legal tender in Niue, with a value of $2, though there is little chance anyone is going to spend them on a coke unless they have serious, serious problems. The value is immediately far more than the suggested price, given the likely phenomenal outcry for them among fans and discerning economically-focused collectors, so the sooner you get in with a pre-order the better.
See, recessions are occasionally a good thing.
You can pre-order the sets, or the single coins (but let’s face it who can stop at just one?!) here.
T-Shirt of the Week
Sticking to that Star Wars theme, Ript Apparel have released this marvellous little number, which offers a far more subtle take on the Who Shot First debate without showing what’s up its skirt too freely. Got to love a T-shirt that is both knowing and gets the old gears grinding up top at the same time.