Round my way, 99% of all Halloween costumes these days are zombie-based. The knack, it seems is finding the right gimmick to zombify – so you’ll see grown adults dressed as zombie jailbait schoolgirls, zombie sportsmen or zombie auditors. But the movie world can offer all manner of appropriate costumes that don’t require an unnaturally pale face, lashings of ketchup and a stumbling walk – for instance you could terrify everyone by going as Gary Busey. Just inhale two cans of hairspray for that real not-quite-right look.

Seriously though, this week’s column is dedicated to the great and the good of movie Halloween costumes: think of it as inspiration. And never say I don’t do anything for you. In all honesty, they’re not the greatest costumes, but they will certainly make you the center of attention…

1. The Three Amigos

Well, not all three of them, just one. Still a great costume, and the perfect opportunity to pretend your Chevy Chase with impunity, and without the stigma of having to make some truly terrible movies. At $100 you expect some quality from a Halloween costume, and 80s Tees don’t disappoint, which is why this particular little number is running out of stock quickly.

Additional tip: Why not mirror the career trajectory of all three of the film’s stars by spending the first half of the party you’re at cracking jokes that slay all within earshot, making a name for yourself as the Funniest Guy In The Room, before making some obviously poor jocular decisions about two third in, and then vanishing without trace, intermittently and briefly popping your head into other people’s conversations in a post-modern, ironic sort of way.

Pick one up here.

2. Kermit The Frog

Over the years I have attended many Halloween fancy dress parties, and one thing I have never seen done well as a home-made costume is a muppet, much to my dismay. In many ways a badly made muppet is more of a thing of horror, so sometimes it works, but it was a personally great day when I discovered this Kermit costume from Costume Cauldron. For a measly $55.95 you too can enjoy the experience of walking around dressed as a walking, talking web-footed freak without the inconvenience of toxic waste poisoning.

There will be no jokes here about rubbing pork products on parts of this costume for added olfactory authenticity, and your a filthy devil for even thinking it.

You can buy yours here.

3. Charlie Sheen… Sort Of

As I suggested up there at the top, not all costumes need to be great to leave a lasting effect. For instance, the greatest Halloween costume I have ever heard about (which is undoubtedly an urban legend that some clever sort adapted from a joke) is just a pair of underpants, with the explanation that the wearer had “just come in my pants”. Brilliant.

Anyway, this Charlie Sheen outfit, which could probably be achieved better by eating the contents of your medicine cabinet, writing “I am Charlie Sheen” on your t-shirt and wearing a wild, sexalicious look in your wired eyes, is the type of garbage that turns heads at parties. It might only be a T-shirt emblazoned with Sheen’s infamous quotes/public meltdowns and a questionable mask (trousers and shoes aren’t included, though that might be a good thing, to add an authentic crazy-man touch to your costume), but I guarantee you’ll find yourself Winning in this one.

Warning: will in no way lead to actual winning.

Buy one here.

T-Shirt of the Week

Another horror one, since ’tis the season to be scary…

Hide your pocketbook before you enter the Merch Hunter archives.

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