Merch Hunter #13: Leatherface Unboxed, Crystal Lake Kicks and ‘Walking Dead’ Tank Zombies

Since it’s number 13, and we’ve all been infected with the Horror virus around these parts, this week’s column will be bloody and terribly scary. Well, not scary exactly (though I’m sure it could give Wes Craven’s decidedly non-trouser-messing recent stuff a good run for its money), but, like, dedicated to Halloween.

Next week, with it being the last column before All Hallow’s Eve, I’ll be looking at some costumes you can pick up from the world of horror movies, so this week it’s all about murderous merch. Scary swag. Ghoulish goodies. And loads of other not-funny, but pleasant alliterative phrases in the same mold…

1. Leatherface

Who wouldn’t want their own tiny sadistic murderer? Sideshow Toys have released a number of figures dedicated to the skin-mask wearing Remedial Hero, and each of them has gone on to be massively sought after by collectors thanks to perfect design and phenomenally good execution. It’s like owning a little sculpture you can play with. Though if you play with it you need your head examined – not only because of the inherent mental problems required to use Leatherface as your Barbie (or worse, to marry him to one), but also because you might scuff him or something else equally unforgivable.

If you can find one boxed, then by all means pay whatever is being asked, it’s probably not high enough (and this recession is boudn to end at some point and then everything will sky-rocket again) – but you could do a lot worse than pick up this unboxed one from eBay at the discounted price of $85 plus postage. Cheap at twice the price.

2. Friday the 13th Sneakers

Okay, so maybe I have a problem with shoes. Aside from actual movie discs and my Mr. Potato Heads, they form the third biggest merch type in my collection, but they’re just so goddamn beautiful. What says “I love Movies” like wearing a pair of branded sneakers? Nothing, because your feet aren’t prime marketing space: so if you think about it, movie shoes are one of the purest affirmations of cinema love.

And even if you don’t agree with that little pearl of wisdom, you should still consider buying these Friday the 13th Nike sneaks. Because they are at least 95% better than any of your other shoes, and would probably laugh at them in that really cool, sort of aloof manner that handsome people have. The right shoe has the film title on the outside and a shadow of Jason’s iconic mask on the other side, and the left features another image of the mask on the inside of the shoe and a beautiful image of Jason face to face with a victim on the outside. All in glorious blood red, skull socket black and cadaver grey. Which are probably real colors.

Got $110? Then you need to go here and spend it on a pair.

3. Walking Dead Tank Zombie Bust

Now, is it just me, or does this look exactly like Jim Carrey, only like, more undead.

Anyway, all doppelganger comments aside, the show might not be as great as everyone thought it might be on the back of that exceptional pilot (the general consensus seems to be that it’s not for horror fans), but the zombies within it are some of the finest to ever lurch across the screen looking for delicious brains. And if you can’t stomach watching the show any more, but you still admire the incredible make-up work that does into the walkers, AMC have the perfect solution in this collection of mini-busts featuring some of the familiar

The same range, from sculpting demi-Gods the KNB EFX Group (not entirely sure whether they intended their name to look like Knob Effects…), also includes Bicycle Girl, who is far scarier, but you never want to be faced with the prospect of locking eyes with it while having sex with a real live girl. That shit just spoils EVERYTHING.

You can pick one up here for $49.99

Terrifying T-Shirt of the Week

“That’s it, game over man. Game over.” But a handful of words, and yet they represent one of the most iconic and memorable moments from Aliens, despite coming from a douche of a character, played by a D-Grade actor who would never again hit those heights.

Turns out, the line makes a great t-shirt as well, and those fine purveyors of horror shirts at Fright Rags clearly agree…

Burn through more money with more Merch Hunter

Born to the mean streets of Newcastle, England the same year that BMX Bandits was cruelly over-looked for the Best Film Oscar, Simon Gallagher's obsessive love of all things cinema blossomed during that one summer in which he watched Clueless every day for six weeks. This is not a joke. Eventually able to wean himself off that particular dirty habit, and encouraged by the revelation that was One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, he then spent many years reviewing films on the underground scene, throwing away thousands of pounds on a Masters Degree in English in the process, before landing feet-first at the doors of British movie site ObsessedWithFilm.com, where you can catch his blend of rapier wit and morbid sardony on a daily basis. Simon is also a hopeless collector of film paraphenalia, and counts his complete Star Wars Mr. Potato Heads collection among his friends.

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