Oscars

The Golden Globes are not like the Academy Awards (and don’t let anyone ever tell you as such, even if they are holding both a pair of Louboutins and a dirty martini and seem very convincing). While the Globes come to us care of “Hollywood Foreign Press Association,” a voting body made up of, well, members of the foreign press who like to shower their nominees with a boozy dinner (and apparently just a lot of small boxes of Godiva chocolates), the Oscars are put together by a giant body of Academy members that include professionals across the industry who refuse to provide even a plate of whatever to their honorees and guests. The Globes also honor television (even if its talents are stuck in the back of a ballroom that seems to be crammed beyond all comprehension with far too many tables and far too few paths to the stage), while the Oscars are pure cinema. With the Globes concerned with two different mediums, there’s no room for awards for technical stuff like cinematography or costume design, and the Oscars relish that sort of stuff.

There’s also the elephant in the room – the Oscars are the Hollywood awards ceremony, the Golden Globes are the other (more boozy!) Hollywood awards ceremony. Being a Golden Globe winner in no way guarantees that you will be an Oscar winner.

The Oscar nominations will be announced later this week, and it’s highly possible that a few of those nods will effectively shake out (and down) some winners from last night’s event. At the very least, a few nominees will be sloughed right off, because the Oscars don’t mess around with the (often exceedingly wrong-headed) genre designations of “Comedy or Musical” and “Drama,” meaning that there’s just not enough room to accommodate all the Golden Globe nominees (and, yes, that probably means Greta Gerwig won’t be nominated for Best Actress, and that saddens us quite deeply). But who actually won last night that we just don’t see picking up another statue come March? Sure, it’s all prognostication and conjecture, but let’s guess about it anyway, okay?

First of all, let’s look back at all of the winners from the Golden Globes. Done? Good. Now let’s dismantle some of these accomplishments, at least as it applies to winning a gold-dipped statue, because here are 6 big winners from last night’s Golden Globes that will not have the same luck at the Oscars.

1. Alcohol

Sorry, booze, you’re not going to enjoy the same amount of prestige at this year’s Oscar ceremony as you do at the Globes, simply because the awards show doesn’t make the good stuff quite so readily available. While the Globes feature an entire sitdown dinner, complete with libations, the Oscars just stick their wannabe winners in some chairs and call it a night. Sure, there might be booze backstage (as first happened in 2012), but it’s not going to be a champagne-soaked affair, which will quite literally keep the show feeling weirdly sober.

2. Anyone Who Won for a Television Series, Miniseries, or TV Movie

Hey, you laugh now, but you just know that there are people out there who are always confused that the Globes honor film and television and that the Oscars are film-only.

3. Alex Ebert, For His Score for All Is Lost

Alex, meet Hans Zimmer. Hans, please put down your previous Oscar and shake Alex’s hand.

4. Matthew McConaughey, For His Role in Dallas Buyers Club

Sorry, McConaughey, it was surprising enough that you pulled out this one over a stacked slate of big competitors for a role that wasn’t even the best work you did this year, and it’s probably not going to happen again, especially when the Globes’ ten Best Actor nominees get winnowed down to five. Also, have you met Leonardo DiCaprio? The perennial nominee just might have broken free with his Globes win, and we might finally see him accepting his own Oscar. Not to worry, though, we have no doubt you’ll win an Oscar (and a big one at that!) very soon.

5. U2, For Their Song “Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

It’s either going to be Idina Menzel’s screaming-powerful “Let It Go” from Frozen (because Broadway!) or Inside Llewyn Davis’ “Please Mr. Kennedy” (just because we want it to be so).

6. Spike Jonze, For His Screenplay for Her

As wonderfully surprising as Jonze’s win was, it would be a big shock if the older-skewing Academy went with his future-set love story. We’re seeing 12 Years a Slave here.

Who do you think won’t get the Oscar love after winning back at the Golden Globes? Who do you think will pick up both accolades?


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