Tom Cruise Rock of Ages

Tom Cruise is in the entertainment news again, but not for the widely acclaimed and well received action flick Jack Reacher. No, the Hollywood powerhouse is once again being talked about because of his very close association with Scientology. Never a group to pass up a chance to take free shots at someone, headlines from semi-journalists everywhere announce “Tom Cruise to Save Fellow Scientology Members from Aliens Within.” 

When I first heard that, I was intrigued of course. I thought maybe Cruise had gone off the deep end, publicly, but no, that’s not the case. What’s happening, in reality, is that Pulitzer-Prize winning author Lawrence Wright is releasing a book entitled “Going Clear: Scientology.” In it, the book will supposedly talk about Cruise’s billion-year contract with Scientology and the process of auditing — essentially stuff South Park has already covered.

Cruise has been the butt of many jokes for many years, and it’s gotten old. It’s time to give him a break.

Why? Well, because he doesn’t deserve it, of course. Can there be any other reason? Cruise hasn’t murdered anyone. He hasn’t inhaled a shit ton of drugs. He didn’t anally rape a 13-year-old girl and flee the country. No, Tom Cruise just happens to, for whatever reason, believe that aliens fucked with our souls because of flying space planes and volcanoes or something and he wants to get them out of people. So what?

Honestly now – does Scientology actually seem that much more ridiculous than any other religion? A religion that forbids the eating of pork, perhaps? Or a religion where you drink the blood of a zombie savior and eat his body crackers? Any (and by any I mean basically all) of the religions that blithely advocate killing, enslaving, and maiming non-believers?

I mean, really, if you had to place a bet on what religion was more likely to have actually happened, would you bet on aliens or would you bet on a magical invisible deity? How is a billion-year contract any different than an eternity of service? That’s actually a better deal – after a billion years, Cruise is out. Christians are stuck – forever!

As silly as we might all agree Scientology is, why do we hold that against Cruise? No one ridicules Steven Spielberg for fasting (assuming he does). No one blasts Denzel Washington for thinking that some dude died on a cross and came out of a cave a few days later. There’s no article proclaiming “Denzel Washington Believes Zombie Consumed Your Sins” in an upcoming book.

Because who gives a shit? Has Cruise actually hurt any body? Has he tried to force Scientology on you? On anyone you know? Cruise doesn’t even really talk about Scientology in public – the dude just wants to live his life and make fucking movies – and he’s made some damn good ones.

Looking to the future, Cruise has a lot of great stuff on the horizon including Oblivion, All You Need Is Kill, Van Helsing, Mission: Impossible 5, and maybe, if we’re lucky and stop being assholes to Tom Cruise, a Les Grossman spin-off movie.

If you’re the kind of person that feels inclined to continually ridicule him because of his religion, you need to take a deep breath. Or sit in a dark place for a few hours to calm down. Cruise has never done anything to me to make me dislike him and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t offended you either. So let’s give the guy a break and just enjoy his movies, eh? I’ve gone past my boiling point on the Tom Cruise hate – the dude makes fun flicks and that’s enough for me.


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