FSR’s Weekly Report Card for 02.27.09

FSR's Weekly Report Card


Studio: 20th Century Fox

Rated: PG-13 for sequences of violence and martial arts action, and some sensuality.

Starring: Kristin Kreuk, Chris Klein, Neal McDonough, Robin Shou, Moon Bloodgood and Josie Ho

Directed by: Andrzej Bartkowiak

What it’s about: Chun-Li (Kristin Kreuk) is a concert pianist whose father has been kidnapped by a crime boss in Bangkok. After her mother dies of an illness, she becomes a martial arts vigilante intent on taking down this crime lord. Meanwhile, Chris Klein does his best Keanu Reeves impression as an INTERPOL cop also chasing the crime lord. And Moon Bloodgood walks around in sexy tops a lot.

What I liked: The movie was in focus, and I liked Moon Bloodgood’s boobs. Kristin Kreuk, who is usually really hot, was dulled down too much and didn’t wear enough tight pants.

What I didn’t: I heard from FSR’s Executive Editor Neil Miller that Alex Billington from FirstShowing.net, who normally loves almost any movie, hated this film so much that he wanted to punch Chris Klein in the face when he saw him at the junket. Alex, you and I don’t always see eye-to-eye, but I will take you up on punching out Chris Klein any day of the week for this abortion on celluloid.

Street Fighter was not screened for critics, and there’s a good reason why. The story makes no sense and the dialogue is delivered like a badly dubbed Japanese film… only it isn’t actually dubbed.

If you thought that Neal McDonough can’t act from his awful appearances in this season of Desperate Housewives, you’ll see him reach a new level of suck. He plays a crime lord of Irish descent in Bangkok. Forget that he was raised in the city as an orphan since he was a baby (an Asian baby at that if you look closely enough), for some reason he has an Irish accent. Apparently accents are hereditary.

Words can’t express how colossally stupid this movie was. It’s so bad that I want to punch everyone in the face for this film… even Moon Bloodgood and her beautiful (albeit covered) boobs.

Who is gonna like this movie: Fans of the game and Uwe Boll movies.

Grade: D


Studio: Disney

Rated: G.

Starring: Kevin Jonas, Joe Jonas, Nick Jonas and 18 million screaming tween girls

Directed by: Bruce Hendricks

What it’s about: The Disney pop group the Jonas Brothers perform their “Burning Up” concert along with a series of behind-the-scenes interviews, ala last year’s Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana: Best of Both Worlds Concert in 3D.

What I will probably like: Because this movie was not screened for critics – and why would it be, considering that the Hannah Montana concert made huge bucks with no screenings – I didn’t have a chance to see it. Of course, having seen that Hannah Montana concert on DVD earlier this year, I pretty much know what I’m getting into when I pay the cash to see this with my kids.

I’m not a huge Jonas Brothers fan, of course, nor am I a huge fan of the Disney Channel pop music. But it’s not unbearable. The big thing that I think I’ll enjoy with this film is the 3D experience, which is cool no matter what the subject matter is. I just hope that Joe Jonas doesn’t sweat on me.

What I probably won’t like: The screaming tween girls in the audience. And the music isn’t my favorite style, but with a run time of less than 75 minutes, I can suffer through anything.

Who is gonna like this movie: Tween girls, their moms and anyone who secretly loooooooove the Jonas Brothers.

Kevin Carr crawled from the primordial ooze in the early 1970s. He grew up watching movies to the point of irritation for his friends and was a font of useless movie knowledge until he decided to put that knowledge to good use. Now, Kevin is a nationally syndicated critic, heard on dozens of radio stations around the country, and his reviews appear in a variety of online outlets. Kevin is also a proud member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association (BFCA), the Online Film Critics Society (OFCS), and the Central Ohio Film Critics Association (COFCA).

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