For Worse

Guy Ritchie/Madonna

There’s just no accounting for taste. Guy Ritchie has a signature style – fast cuts, complex gangster stories, ensembles hunting down an object of importance. He has a style. Except for one movie. The ill-advised Swept Away which looks like a complete exercise in appeasing a famous wife who had seen a fairly promising film career cool even after the critical acclaim of Evita. This abominable film might be a case of a husband not knowing how to get a good performance from his wife or it might be so riddled with story problems from the beginning that it was doomed out of the gate. Either way, it’s unclear whether either were fighting over its royalties in the divorce.

Len Wiseman/Kate Beckinsale

Wiseman and Beckinsale met on the set of Underworld which is fascinating because the chemistry seems to work there. It’s not a great film, but it’s fun in its own way and Beckinsale is convincing as a skintight jumpsuit-wearing monster. Then, they got married. Then, they made Underworld: Evolution. There is absolutely no explanation for this film except that it fits into the cliche of an empty sequel delivering diminished returns from the first. The pair haven’t truly worked together since (other than a quick voice over she did for the third Underworld film). Apparently, for some reason, they were unable to write in a part for a gorgeous British vampire into Live Free or Die Hard.

Bart Freundlich/Julianne Moore

This may be the example with the most talent disparity on the entire list. Moore is well-respected and has won the respect of audiences and critics alongside her many award nominations. Bart Freundlich, who has been with Moore since 1996 and married to her since 2003, is the kind of name that makes you wonder if you’re being prank called. It turns out that he’s a director, and his greatest hits include The Myth of Fingerprints, World Traveler, and Trust the Man which all feature his wife and all feature a shocking lack of quality.

Kevin Smith/Jennifer Schwalbach

This may be a bit unfair because Schwalbach isn’t an actress, but that’s sort of the point. Despite being fun films, and at the risk of being called out by Smith on Twitter, his inclusion of his wife in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is about the clearest case of nepotism this side of the political arena. She looks completely out of place next to Shannon Elizabeth, Ali Larter, and Eliza Dushku as a fellow diamond thief, and it brings down that entire part of the story. Somehow that didn’t stop him from giving her a bigger role as Dante’s fianceé in Clerks II.

Tim Burton/Helena Bonham Carter

If we’re going to cheat, we might as well cheat twice. They’re not technically married, and they’ve technically been on the list already, but hear us out. The pair have been together since 2001 when they met on the set of Planet of the Apes – meaning Burton had to fall for her as a simian. She would be a bit of a muse as well, appearing in all of his released films after that point, including the eyebrow-raisingly un-good Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, and the aforementioned Planet of the Apes.

What other evidence can you present?

Editor’s Note: This list was written by Cole Abaius and compiled lovingly by Kevin Carr, Jack Giroux, Landon Palmer, and Cole.


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