Culture WarriorI’m not a parent, but I know that you’re a bad one. You know why? Because you probably took your kids to see Cars 2 this weekend. I know what you’re thinking: “What’s wrong with Cars 2, it’s just a harmless little kids movie.” Well, it’s destroying America with it’s anti-oil message, indoctrinating our children to become Prius-buying, David Simon-worshipping tree huggers so the late-term-aborting hippie liberals at Pixar can do their part in carrying out Hollywood’s takeover of family values.

You’re probably thinking, “But Landon, children typically don’t understand subtext. And when children grow up in a free democratic society such as ours they often question for themselves the values and ideas they were exposed to as children and eventually adopt a perspective that makes the most sense to them, thus making your use of ‘indoctrination’ hyperbolic and short-sighted. Anyway, even if they did understand what Pixar was doing, children don’t give a ratatouille’s ass about politics, the free market, offshore drilling, or our over-reliance on fossil fuels. They just want to watch a movie about talking cars. Also, being a child of the late 80s/early 90s, you grow up with a lot of environmentally-aware children’s entertainment like Jim Henson’s TV show Dinosaurs and movies like FernGully and The Brave Little Toaster, yet those didn’t inform your political perspective in either direction just as they didn’t make you think dinosaurs wore clothes and acted like the cast of All in the Family.”

That would all be fine and dandy if it was just Cars 2, but Disney animation has been shelling out movies that have conspired to destroy this great country of ours for more than seventy years now. Read below, and open your eyes to the real “values” of Disney.

Exhibit A: Elitism

Case in Point: Fantasia (1940)

A cartoon featuring beautiful synaesthetic visual arrangements of anything from Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring to Mussorgsky’s Night on Bald Mountain. Blerf, wake me up when it’s over! What’s wrong, Walt? No room for Johnny Cash, or did you spill your arugula and Earl Grey tea all over the drawing/rolling papers that made up that segment? Be careful. If you watch this movie you might walk into traffic because your nose will be pointed so high in the air. That, or you’ll get syphilis.

Exhibit B: Gun Control

Case in Point: Bambi (1942)

Oh poor little Bambi deer. I guess your mom wouldn’t have died if the government just took away all our guns, amiright? Well, you’re forgetting one minor detail my friend: if your mom had bought a gun, as it is her Constitutional right, she could’ve protected herself and you’d still have a mom. Just one semiautomatic clip coming from the other direction and BLAM, movie over! I know what you’re thinking, “Landon, first of all, deer don’t have thumbs, but more importantly—“ aaaand let me just interrupt you right there. Bambi’s mom was probably in season, which means deer were overpopulating that area, so her death was actually in the best interest of the ecosystem. And if Bambi’s mom didn’t die, Bambi wouldn’t have had the chance to hang out with her multicultural forest friends. You’re welcome, Bambi.

Exhibit C: Anti-English Language

Cases in Point: Saludos Amigos (1942), Three Caballeros (1944)

So our boys in arms are off in Europe and the Pacific killing Hitler, and what does Disney decide to show the kids at home? Not one but two movies that teach them it’s okay to not speak American, that it’s okay to use fancy Spanish words instead like “caballero,” “amigo,” and “three.” It might be okay to “expand your horizons” or “become bilingual as it’s essential to succeed in an increasingly globalized world community” during times of peace, but during times of war it’s important that we watch only those movies that depict America’s great cultural heritage, like learning the ideas of Albert Einstein or celebrating technical achievements like the zeppelin.

Exhibit D: Alternative Lifestyles

Case in Point: The Jungle Book (1968)

Right, Disney, its toooootally acceptable for a child to not be raised by two heterosexual married parents. It’s absoluuuutely fine for a human child to be raised by a male panther and a male bear. In case you didn’t know, I’m being sarcastic ;-) At least Disney showed the repercussions for these abominations by having Mowgli almost get eaten about five times. New York state, meet your future.

Exhibit E: Dangerous Countercultures

Case in Point: The Aristocats (1970)

The feline family at the center of this film might be classically trained highfalutin blowhards (they probably watched Fantasia), but at least they aren’t degenerate social parasites like the smug hipsters they encounter. Look at this and tell me that “everybody wants to be a cat” isn’t an attempt at conforming our children to think mind-expanding substances are a viable alternative to, I dunno, working. Dumbo was bad enough as it is. Don’t be surprised if you show this to your kid and find them the next day, their noses caked in kitty litter dust, screaming “Lay some skin on me, scat cat!” before running in circles and mimicking trumpet noises.

Exhibit F: Socialism

Case in Point: Robin Hood (1973)

For once, just once, I’d like to see an economically-accurate Robin Hood adaptation where Robin gets executed for treason in the first act and for the rest of the film the wealthy slowly trickle shillings down to the poor.

Exhibit G: Social Construction of Gender Differences

Case in Point: Mulan (1998)

Watching this film about a young gender-bending Chinese warrior who imitates men to show that “masculinity is a performance” and “girls can do stuff too” might make your kids want to read Judith Butler’s next pop-up book. So if you must watch this incredibly confusing film, make sure you shout, “She still has a vagina!” as loudly and as often as you can when screening for impressionable children.

Exhibit H: Anti-Colonialism

Case in Point: Tarzan (1999)

Yeah, let’s all feel sorry for the poor idiot man-child because he can swing and run on trees all cool. Then let’s all cheer and hold hands and shit all over Columbus day just because he defeated the wise Westerner Clayton who wanted to tame the savage and teach him the good things society has to offer like how to best exploit his resources for the benefit of Western society. This all feels like one stupid apology to the libs for making Aladdin.

Exhibit I: Evolution

Case in Point: Dinosaur (2000)

Needed more saddles.

Exhibit J: Communism

Case in Point: Toy Story 3 (2010)

Cars 2 wasn’t Pixar’s first offense. Between the Francophilia of Ratatouille and the global-warming-conspiracyfest of Wall-E you have enough offenses to fill this page from Pixar alone. I was on board with the Toy Story series until this KGB-produced failure ghost-directed by Sergei Eisenstein. That’s right, children, let’s share all our toys. Hopefully the 4th film will show that there aren’t enough toys to go around and, without children’s incentive to compete for them, they become too lazy to play with their toys anyway.

So there you have it. Cars 2 is only the recent piece of Disney’s giant diabolical puzzle to destroy America. And that’s why I’ll never ever show my hypothetical children one of these god-awful Disney movies.

…Oh dammit, now they’re bored and I have nothing for them to watch.

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