Coroner’s Report: Stan Helsing


There are probably a lot of reasons why Stan Helsing shouldn’t appear in the Coroner’s Report.  I mean, it’s not scary and no one dies.  It’s a straight up comedy.  No, worse than that, it’s a parody.  A spoof.  We all know how well those generally end up being.  But, like most true addicted horror fans, I’ll take just about anything that promises to cater to my tastes.  Horror jokes, monster parodies, and some boob shots.  Stan Helsing gives us most of that and manages to be “surprisingly not terrible.”  Now, the movie is not good by any means, but I think it’s watchable, unlike my fellow Rob Hunter.  I must admit, some parts are down right terrible and awful and angering.  But for some reason, I kind of enjoyed it.

Stan Helsing followers out titular slacker video store employee, Stan Van Helsing, obviously in the lineage of the greatest of monster hunters.  After stumbling into a haunted town with his sometimes-girlfriend, best friend, and slutty friend, he must of course embrace his history, fight off his slacker nature, and kick some monster ass to rescue the town.  Sort of.



I’m pretty sure we only see one person die in the film, though 12 mentally handicapped people are killed off screen and we see their bodies.  This is one of the biggest failings of the film – there should have been dozens of over the top kills, rather than virtually nothing.


While it’s not explicitly stated and quite possibly unintentional, when we first meet Chucky he raises his head from a child’s lap then feigns a blowjob at Stan.  It’s played to make it look like he’s just insulting Stan, but it 100% feels like Chucky, a sort of midget man doll hybrid, just gave a 9 year old a blowjob.  The wigger-Freddy wipes his ass with his blade hand and screams.  This scene is strange, because in every other scene Freddy has that stupid Swiss-Army hand, however in the bathroom, it’s the standard knife glove.  We some burned up corpses and scarred bodies, but nothing here is going to make you uncomfortable.


desi-1There is a hot lesbian kiss, some sexy Lingerie wearing stripper vampires that show off some g-string ass, some side boob, and a brief boob shot.  Diora Bard is dressed like Pocahontas, with her midriff exposed the entire time.  She is obviously very hot.  I wrote “Pistol in Pussy” in my notes but honestly right now I can’t remember this at all.  I can guarantee you it wasn’t very sexy or anything and was most likely some sort of sound effect gag where Stan accidentally bumps into hottie Mia.  In fact, now I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.  Anywho, Mia (Desi Lydic) is hot the whole time and grabs Diora’s boob.  There is also a gay monster porn shoot involved.  The real deal here is this, Desi Lydic is hot as hell.  She changes outfits several times and they’re all hot.  At the end, she gives a lapdance to Teddy that is both hot and funny.  The only downside is the cuts to Keenan Thompson.  Lame sauce.  In the credits, she apologies to her mother for the things she does in this movie.  But I’d like to take a moment to write Desi a letter, right here and now.  Dear Desi Lydic, I fucking love you.  Don’t take this the wrong way, but I want to get you alone and then learn all about you and meet your parents. Whaaaat?


This movie teaches you nothing, other than modern spoof movies rarely work but can make you giggle from time to time.


Just in case you didn’t know, when Stan Helsing starts it informs you that it’s “A Parody.”  No shit, Sherlock.  I know I started off saying this movie isn’t terrible, but the things I’m going to say are going to make it seem terrible.  Parts of the movie are atrocious and I know why I kind of liked it, but I did.  Probably because I fell in love during it.  Or at least popped a boner.  The film starts off battling its own duality of sucking vs being kind of funny.  In a reference to old giant bug movies, Stan has to kill a roach in the bathroom that is like 6 feet tall and taking a shit which is actually amusing, though it’s quickly followed by severely outdated jokes like returning The Ring at “Schlockbuster” and black people yelling at movies.  Can we talk about “Schlockbuster” a second, because really, that is the parasite killing parody movies.  They think the modern definition of “parody” is “making up a rhyming name.”  So you get these fucking stupid things like Schlockbuster or Wal-Fart or McRonald’s.  This is an article (boiling point?) for another time, but seriously stop fucking rhyming.  Or I’ll fucking kill you.

The driving sequences are pretty terrible, with weak composition work and lame acting.  I’d also like to point out that they try a politically correct joke in that one character is dressed as an Indian, which they state the correct term as being “Native American.”   Actually, the preferred term is “American Indian.”  Now you know.  Anyway, my biggest gripe with the movie is the lack of monsters.  They’re barely in the film and they’re unfunny in design.  Pinhead has darts in his head and Leatherface wears a handbag and carries a leafblower.  Pretty stupid.  Freddy is kind of funny.  At the end, the only way to defeat them is to first win a karaoke contest and then masturbate a super-soaker into Jason’s face.  It’s actually kind of funny.

Like most modern parodies, the film throws in random ass jokes that make no sense.  Barack Obama shows up at the karaoke contest.  What the fuck?  Michael Jackson hands out penis pops to kids.  Which admittedly,I appreciate that they didn’t remove that.

The best part (aside from Desi Lydic) is Leslie Nielsen.  He’s barely in it, and he plays a woman, but come on, it’s Leslie Nielsen.  The worst part, I’d say, is that after watching the deleted scenes, there was a better movie that could have been released.  They cut out like 4 minutes of boobs – boobs make things like this better.  They also cut out a scene where Chucky is gang-raped in a ballpit.  That is the kind of stuff a movie like this should be going for.  A real horror parody should really go for it, kill a ton of people, show a lot of tit, and just really go off the wall.  Instead, this is any other parody movie just dressed in a Halloween costume.

After all this negativity, you’re wondering “How in the fuck did this idiot like this movie?”  The answer is I don’t know.  I watched it.  There were lame parts.  There were a few laughs.  Overall it was very light and after three shots it was kind of enjoyable.  Most of you will probably hate this, but if you’re a horror fan you’re going to watch it anyways.  While it’s mostly a disappointment, it’s slightly better than you’ll expect and you will laugh a few times.

Grade: C-

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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